Ari the "Cry Kidder"

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For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderinkhttp://papamore.blogspot.com

Ari Orange Wagasky is my Son Forever and Always

I have decided to reclaim my son from grief, loss and pain. Before this little boy blessed anyone else here on earth - I got to carry him inside of me for the 9 months prior. My entire being was formed and created to carry my child with me forever - anything anyone else thinks, feels and desires regarding our Ari Orange now is void. *I trump any thoughts from anyone else - because I am Ari's Mama.* I have every right in the universe and above to speak, share about, wallpaper our entire house with his photo and megaphone his name to the world - now - then and always. He is the gift from God specifically given to his father and I. We chose his name and we also choose how Ari will be carried now - and our choice, affirmed by our Father above, is to carry ARI actively, visibly, audibly and presently forever. No one else's opinion on our son matters - no one can nor ever could silence the bright beaming Hope of Heaven so radiantly beaming from the ALIVE AND WITH JESUS forever presence of our little man. Thank you Jesus for so richly forever blessing my entire being with Ari Orange - ♥♥ I will never move on from our boy - I will live - I will have joy and I will carry him WITH ME always and forever. http://facebook.com/letterstoari To Ari Orange Wagasky - my son always and forever and For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com

Heading Home to Heaven ~ Ari Wagasky - Orange shoes

arend jack thomas: Arend 'Ari' and Nana

arend jack thomas: Arend 'Ari' and Nana: I could talk about Ari stories forever - his lovable, adventurous, hilarious, smart and one of a kind self provided us with many memories...

Recent Promising Treatment for Late-Stage AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia)

Are there any promising treatments in late-stage testing?

Yes, there are several drugs being investigated in phase II and phase III trials. We currently have a phase III trial open with a drug called rigosertib for patients who have failed prior treatment with azacitidine or decitabine, which are known as demethylating agents. The proposed mechanism of action for these drugs is that they alter gene expression profiles in the cancer cells and increase their susceptibility to death. Rigosertib is a cell cycle inhibitor and would prevent the cancer cells from growing and induce direct damage to the cancer cells, causing their death.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink 
http://papamore.blogspot.com

A Video Update on Papa's Namesake - Lil' Arend

Arend Jack Thomas Wagasky (lil' odee/papa's boy) 

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink 
http://papamore.blogspot.com

Dear Dad in Heaven

Dear Dad in Heaven, 

I sit here and i ponder how very much

I'd like to talk to you today

There are so many things

That we didn't get to say

I know how much you care for me

And how much I care for you,

And each time that I think of you

I know you'll miss me too.

An angel came and called your name

And took you by the hand and said

Your place was ready in Heaven, far above . . .

And you had to leave behind,

all though you dearly loved

You had so much to live for, you had so much to do . . .

It still seemed impossible, that God was taking you.

And though your life on earth is past,

n Heaven it starts anew

You'll live for all eternity, just as God has promised you.

And though you've walked through Heaven's gate

We are never far apart

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink 

http://papamore.blogspot.com

How to Know the End is Near

How will I know when someone is getting close to death?

Just as doctors cannot pinpoint the precise day when a baby will be born, they cannot predict the exact day or hour when you or your loved one will die. 

You might need reassurance that it is simply not always possible to know when death is near. Some illnesses, for example, make prediction difficult. However, many illnesses have a few hours or a few days when it is evident that death is close. 

The person dying usually is no longer eating or drinking, except perhaps a few sips of liquid now and again. The person may be sleepy or confused most of the time and is usually in bed. If the person is dying from cancer or a progressive failure of an organ, he or she will usually have lost a substantial amount of weight. If life support is being stopped, the physician should be able to tell you what to watch for to estimate about how long it will be before death.

Many people near death have cool hands and feet and a persistent purplish discoloration in the parts of the body resting on the bed. Many also will have uneven breathing, sometimes stopping for many seconds and other times breathing quickly. This kind of breathing and discoloration can persist for a few days or may be seen within hours of death.

Some people have some jerking motions or even seizures near death. As disturbing as it may be for you to watch this happen, your loved one will probably not be aware of it. Involuntary motions usually do not need treatment and do not cause problems for the patient. Seizures can often be treated with rectal medications to be sure that they are not distressing to the patient or family.

If the person has been taking opioids, these will be continued because stopping such medications abruptly can lead to uncomfortable symptoms. If the person is no longer able to swallow, opioids can be given by suppository, injection, skin patch, subcutaneous infusion, or IV.

Probably half of patients develop very noisy breathing near death, sometimes called a "death rattle." This is the result of physical changes and does not cause the person to feel as though she is struggling to breathe. In fact, most dying patients are not aware of this noisy breathing. However, if family or caregivers find it unnerving, the doctor or nurse can help reduce the noisy sound, either by giving medication or repositioning the dying person in bed.

• Overview of events near death
• What to do when death is close
• About being there at the moment of death
• How to determine if the person has died
• Decisions and activities after death
• Decisions about autopsies
• Estates and wills

http://www.growthhouse.org/mortals/mor13102.html


For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Sometimes God Says No

I listened to a sermon by Joel Osteen this past Sunday - he said that if we truly believe and pray in faith God will hear our calls and answer them accordingly ...

Good sermon, but just can't help but wondering ...

Why did the many prayers going out to heal you go unanswered, Papa?

I take issue with being made to feel like we didn't believe nor pray ENOUGH - because that's simply and completely not at all true.


For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

I Will Not Say Goodbye

You never really left - right, Papa?  <3

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

You were my Step Parent and now I'm one myself - Wow + Relate + Love You EVEN More ;)

As you know, I wasn't too hot on you coming into my Mom and I's little cocoon life after we lost my Dad Jack Huizenga at age of mine -thirteen.

It had been barely a year since my Dad Jack had died when you and my Mom met - and at that time, to me, you represented both letting go of and betraying my Dad who had recently died.

Isn't it ironic ... at first I wanted nothing at all to do with you in our lives and am now truly broken hearted without you here.

Thanks for sharing with me (reassuring me) during that last talk on my birthday about how you never were even fully aware of the extent of my detest of you then.  You said that no matter what, I was still always respectful to you - and for that fact, you had sent many prayers of thanks to my Dad before you that I'd lost.

Yet still ... at times, not often - I wonder ... would it be easier now to have lost you to that damn vicious AML cancer if I'd never loved you to begin with to the extent I did?  You became to me nothing less and everything more than a real Dad - I just loved have you as my "Daddy", Papa ...

But maybe if I'd have kept resenting you it'd be a bit easier to just breathe now that you're gone.

Papa, being a step-parent is such hard work - I'm trying so hard, Papa ... but still, even with my own real life "experience" as a step-child - they're so far from loving me like I loved and will always love you.

I could really use you here, on earth, with us right now, Papa ... I miss you so much - still - everyday.  I'm so proud to have you as my Dad - it hurts so much to not be able to "show you off" to these new loves in my life now.

I still don't get it, Papa - I'm sorry and I do try - but I just can't even an iota of an amount understand why God took you too early from us as He did.

Finally I had grown to love and adore you as my forever own "Daddy" .... to only have you die and "leave me" too ...

I REALLY REALLY miss having a Dad, Papa ... I to the depth of my soul especially miss you.

Please send me a sign again soon - please hug me as only you could and comfort my own step-parenting pain.

I hate this, Papa .... I hate that you're gone ....

But as I continue to keep looking around for you ... I'm more and more forced to faced the reality that you're gone.

And STILL - I'm NOT okay with that, Papa ...

I love you, Dad.

(Pic. of your namesake with the forever love of your eternal life below ;)

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

Jeffrey's Voice - a Voice of HOPE for the Cure for Leukemia

Jeffrey's Voice funds research that will lead to a cure for Leukemia and Blood Cancers. 

Visit www.jeffreysvoice.org to learn more about their mission.

Never ever

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

save a place for me

MEMORIES OF YOU

Not long ago you left me,
I didn't know what I would do,
But after crying, I thought,
Of the memories I have of you.

Memories keep me alive,
Memories keep me sane,
Sometimes I forget you died,
Sometimes it is etched in my brain.

If I died now I would join you,
But I know I have to wait,
Nothing is that simple,
I would rather rely on fate.

Maybe, if I hold on for a while,
I will overcome my fears,
Holding on will make seeing you again special,
It will be worth all of the tears.

I believe that you are in heaven now,
And I want to join you someday,
I am trying to live my life like you lived yours,
That's all I ever pray.

No one can come between us now,
I will just have to wait and see,
No one misses you more than I do,
Remember to save a place for me.

Copyright © 2000 Anne Fletcher

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com

He Only Takes The Best

Sometimes the greatest people on earth 
Are the ones who are taken away.
The greatest smiles, the greatest hearts, 
We beg and plead to stay. 

But sometimes the unexpected will happen, 
And sadly there's nothing to do. 
Just sit idly by, and wait and cry, 
And curse this nightmare come true. 

Sometimes encouraging words are exchanged, 
And most of the time we shed tears, 
And we look on in awe of the greatest strength 
Attempting to beat all our fears. 

And when you last hugged your greatest hug,
You knew it might be your last. 
But you threw out the thought and closed your eyes, 
Because it "can't be happening this fast." 

When you come to the end of this greatest fight, 
You'll see this person who cared. 
And you'll know he's forgiven you for all the bad times, 
And loves you for all that you've shared. 

It seems sometimes the greatest people on earth 
Must endure the most difficult things. 
That's because this world has been harsh enough... 
And they look better in angel wings.

Terry Greiner
http://www.motivateus.com/stories/grieve-11.htm

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com

Our baby brother "ie. lil' Odee" - video by Anna

Love the way she loves him - such a huge heart - you taught her well, Papa ... ;)

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com

3 years later ...

3 years today since our Papa went to heaven - often seems like yesterday = because I know he's still here in many ways with us ... See you in heaven, Papa ... xoxo

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com

Introducing ... "Papa's boy"

The newest member of our family, my son - named after his Papa's in Heaven ...

Arend Jack Thomas (I know He and he and he and he are watching over him ;)

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderinkhttp://papamore.blogspot.com

My Buried Grief - My Unresolved Pain

As much as I've open up my entire heart and nearly shared each of my grief walk's feelings with all of you here, reading PapAmore ... to that same extent ... I have purposely left out much of my life's story.

Grief multiplies grief ... and with each new grief it seems you must also relive each past grief as well.

Or such has been, for the most part, my own personal experience.

There's something I feel like I should share here ... because I can no longer ignore what I feel is PapAmore's encouragement to do so.

But it is so hard to do so ... to have someone else read, and thus decide to trust them with,  even the mere general words I've above written here ... terrify every part of me.

But as PapAmore bestowed upon myself so much of the strength and encouragement to push through then, I know he'll also help me continue to push through now too.

But ...... I'm not sure how to share this, I don't even know how nor where to start ... for so long bottling this thing of which I speak up seemed to be the only to live through and with it.

There was a day ... when my heart stopped singing
There was a time ... when my inner light extinguished
This was the day the hope within my soul truly burned out.

One of my fears is that however I write this, it will be wrong ... and however I say this, it will come across wrong.  If I talk too much about me while sharing my experience ... surely I'll come across as self-centered.  If I say too much about the devastation this life event has caused ... surely I'll come across as damaged for life, a redeeming worthless cause.  If I don't say enough ... surely I'll be sugar counting things and if I say too much ... surely I'll seem still obsessed with it all.

Which leaves me with ... either taking another 18 years trying to figure out the best way to share my story ... or ... to just let my inner life-script just spill out ...

It's coming up on eighteen years since I've last spoken with my best friend, Ben.



For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

Parenting Lesson by Papa - Never Give Up

Papa, I'm thankful for so many things about you. Most of all for your spiritual guidance which was always evident in every aspect of your parenting. You've left us with such an awesome legacy and parental example. Of which both blesses and at times overwhelms me as your child. Blessed by the guide you've given as to what to do yet overwhelmed at times by feeling like I'll in reality never fully be able to live up to it ... ;) To be honest, I've personally found parenting to often be that time of your life when you're assumed to be at a place of life knowledge where you now know the most but personally have come to find out that in reality you've reached the lifepoint where you know the least. :S But, I'll keep trying - thanks too for teaching me how to never give up - I use that one a lot. xoxoxoxo

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink http://papamore.blogspot.com