Another "Nana" Gets Her Wings

Lauren, my dear friend and close neighbor, lost her Mom this past Wednesday.  At the same time Heaven gained an incredibly artistic, serene and lovely new Angel.

It was not much more than one year ago that we unknowningly created Care Pages for our parent (her Mom, my Dad) on the very same day. 

And thus began each of our thrust upon journeys of being a child of someone with cancer...

Yet along this ugly path, there was still (although often difficult through sorrow to see) a blessing as we both watched each of our own amazing parent show us the epitome of strength, endurance, peace and most of all God's love.

Please pray for their family's healing, my friend's Mom leaves such a deep void behind. 

For without our greatest joy now comes our greatest pain.

Be still my soul - the Lord is on thy side;
bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
leave to thy God to order and provide;
in every change - he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul - thy best thy heavenly Friend
through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul - when dearest friends depart,
and all is darkened in the vale of tears,
then shalt thou better know his love - his heart,
who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul - the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them - while he dwelt below.

Be still my soul the hour is hastening on
when we shall be forever with the Lord,
when disappointment - grief and fear are gone,
sorrow forgot - loves purest joys restored.
Be still my soul - when change and tears are past,
all safe and blessed - we shall meet at last.

Incredibly Wise, yet just enough silly, You

It was Wednesday (1/7/09) shortly before noon, I had stopped by the hospital where you were receiving your M/W/F platelets because I wanted to visit with you and Jackie.

I had taken the video camera along as well, not to "quickly capture on film" your very last moments on earth, but rather because, well...I adored you...I'll always adore you, there is no past tense there...

I didn't know then that in 4 short days, you would die.

Although I somewhat wish to share with everyone each and every detail of the amazing conversation we had that day, I can't...because it wasn't this deep, "I'm going to die soon" conversation.  As the video I captured will provide footage of...it was a simple but wise, silly talk...it was you, exactly who you are...

I had taken your little "MiMi" along as well because I knew that I would have been in "trouble" if I hadn't.  

When I initially walked in the room that day, your eyes looked so sad and tired...as I now recall that initial, specific expression of yours, many tears drip upon my keyboard.

But...

When you saw her, your little Miss Maggie Rose, your eyes brightened and joyfully danced at the mere sight of her.

It's just myself and the girls now, in this old house of yours and many a morning "still" we awaken to wet pillowcases...tear stained from hearts missing you...

We miss you, "Poppy"...We Love You, Always and Forever More

Heaven's Perfect Tenor

Papa has such a BEAUTIFUL voice...so perfect in fact that I'm sure all of heaven's angels themselves are incredibly impressed as well as in awe of his melody... ;)

Ways to Remember Another Rituals

Rituals  -  Rituals provide us with acts to engage in for the purpose of meaning-making (Neimeyer). Dr. Kenneth Doka discusses ritual as giving extraordinary meaning to the commonplace. Ritual provides symbolic connection to the lost persons. For example, on Thanksgiving a woman makes her deceased mother’s recipe for cranberry relish. Only a few people in the family enjoy this dish but she continues to prepare it because during the preparation she feels connected to her mother and feels her mother is within her and thus, present at the holiday. 

Dr. Kenneth Doka has identified four functions of ritual that may help in a variety of situations:

• Rituals of Continuity – This type of ritual implies that the person is still part of my life and there exists a continuing bond. The Thanksgiving ritual described above is an example of this.
• Rituals of Transition – This marks that a change has taken place in the grief response. For example, parents who have lost a child marked a transition in their mourning by cleaning out their deceased child’s room after a period of time acceptable to them.
• Rituals of Affirmation – This is a ritual act whereby one writes a letter or poem to the deceased thanking the person for the caring, love, help and support. This is especially useful for those who never said “thank you.”
• Rituals of Intensification – This type of ritual intensifies connection among group members and reinforces their common identity. For example, the AIDS Quilt, the Vietnam War Memorial, the Oklahoma City Memorial Park.

Rituals must fit the story. They must be planned ahead and thoroughly processed after completion. Certain dates are particularly troubling and anxiety producing for the bereaved. These include birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, religious celebrations, Valentines Day, anniversary of the death and other specific family markers. 

The goal is to plan ahead a remembrance ritual in order to acknowledge the day both cognitively and symbolically. Utilizing any of the above mentioned rituals will help acknowledge in some personal way the relationship and life that was shared. The day is best confronted and dealt with through ritual rather than avoided. Following is a list of rituals. 

Rituals To Commemorate
Rituals are effective and meaningful when they have significance to the deceased and to the survivor. The following are merely suggestions and might be altered and enhanced to appropriately accommodate the relationship involved.

• Prepare a favorite meal of the loved one and enjoy it as he/she did.
• Prepare a favorite dessert – share with family or friends.
• Watch a movie(s) enjoyed by your loved one.
• Plant flowers, a tree or a flowering bush in memory of your loved one.
• Enjoy a toast to your loved one on a birthday, anniversary or holiday.
• Light a candle and recall the comfort or guiding light he/she was for you.
• Read book(s) or article(s) on a favorite topic(s) he/she enjoyed.
• Play music appreciated by your loved one and see if you can enjoy it now.
• Attend a concert/performance that would be pleasurable to you both.
• Look through photo albums and focus on shared times and memories.
• Wear a piece of jewelry that was a favorite of the person.
• Wear cologne or perfume he/she liked on you.
• Wear an item of clothing given to you by him/her.
• Buy something for yourself he/she would like you to have.
• Enjoy lunch or dinner at a favorite cafe/restaurant.
• Visit the burial place – bring a balloon or symbolic item to leave.
• Journal some favorite stories.
• Travel to a place he/she enjoyed or always desired to visit.
• Review how your life is better because he/she was a part of it.
• Focus on the gift he/she was to you.
• Purchase flowers on the anniversary. Bring for display at church or home gathering. When people leave, have them take a flower.
• Send flowers to a close family member on the anniversary.
• Read a favorite poem(s) or book enjoyed by your loved one.
• Watch home videos and remember.
• Volunteer for an organization in memory of your loved one.
• Become an activist in the cause of death issue – by participating in a walk-a-thon, phone-a-thon, etc.
• If you kept greeting cards given to you by your loved one, take time to read them again.
• Enjoy a leisurely walk taking time to recall shared events in life together.

I Know He Watches Over Me

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink