Heaven's Perfect Tenor

Papa has such a BEAUTIFUL voice...so perfect in fact that I'm sure all of heaven's angels themselves are incredibly impressed as well as in awe of his melody... ;)

PapAmore' - Loved Me

I had given my Dad 2 of JJ Heller's CD's (Love Me included on one of them) while he was in the hospital, the first time, under induction...and I myself listened to them (I had also purchased copies for myself ;) as well over and over again, I so related to the words of her songs, yet was then yet unable to share with others that I did.

So...this is my Father...he calls, not crying, but classic PapAmore' choked up, and says..."Can you believe it?  How could another ones songs and words that you never met nor know, be so about you?"

We miss him...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

God STILL works Miracles - AML Remission through Only Herbal Therapy

Definitely do take the time to check out the blog Jaymun's Mom made for him...he is a living testimony of God's ability to truly work miracles.  His site also contains extensive information on herbal therapy.

My 2.5 year old son's AML relapsed (CNS and marrow) eight months ago.  He was born with AML (congenital) and had a BMT back in 2006.  After several months and two rounds of chemo he was still not in remission.  This was six months ago that we went home - his marrow was aplastic - he was neutropenic - and he was recovering from a cranial tap to drain subdural hygromas. 

Although we went home to only have a few weeks of "quality of life", now it is six months later and his marrow has finally recovered - and there is no cancer in his CNS fluid either!

We did quite extensive herbal therapy in the past six months - now that he is in remission - we are leaning against CNS radiation (the normal path).  

Medical details are on our blog: www.jaymun.com/journal/2009_02_02

Any thoughts on this situation?

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Grief Cannot Be "Scheduled"

Pain unexpected

lack of all warning

tackles me

onto the ground

Grief has no timezone

comes as it pleases

sneaking up

quietly, no sound

There is no "safe place"

no detour from hell

intense fire

forever burns

Hearts that are bleeding

souls that are shattered

hard to breathe

takes no returns

It creeps up

it sneaks up

it swallows one whole

This monster

this evil

of dirt and of pain

The thunderous roar of grief

by Wanda Lenderink, my heartbroken Mom and Wife of my Dad

AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK.......

Posted 9 minutes ago

WE REALIZE THAT WE HAVE SAID GOOD BYE TO THE MAN WE LOVED ....WE HAVE CELEBRATED HIS LIFE ....HERE AND IN DENVER...WE HAVE FELT YOUR LOVE...YOUR TOUCH...YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS....WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AS HIS FAMILY....SHARING..LOVING ...CRYING...SINGING TO HIM AS WE FELT THE RAWNESS OF DEATH WHEN WE LEFT HIM IN HIS FINAL RESTING PLACE...

WE HAVE TOLD THE STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN ....WE HAVE CRIED SO MANY TEARS...WE HAVE SAID OVER AND OVER ...HAS THIS REALLY HAPPENED ????

AS WE LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL TELL US IT A JUST A BAD DREAM.....WE REALIZE AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK ..THAT THE REAL MIRACLE IS THAT WE STILL BELIEVE..AND TRUST OUR LORD...

...AS OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN.....AND AS THE CLOCKS REMIND US OF TIME ...WE REALIZE WE HAVE DONE ALL OF THIS...

THE MILK IN REFRIGERATOR THAT WAS PURCHASED BEFORE ODEE DIED IS STILL FRESH...

AND WE SAY ...DEAR LORD HOW CAN THIS BE?????? 

AND THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK..

SO MANY PRAYED SO HARD...WE KNOW GOD HEARD OUR PRAYERS....AND YET HE DIED....

WE CLUTCH OUR GRIEF TIGHTLY.....EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE TELLS US THAT GOD WANTS TO CARRY OUR PAIN....WE STILL HOLD TIGHT .....BECAUSE HE IS GONE....AND THE ONLY COMFORT WE WANT IS IN HEAVEN....

DEAR LORD...HELP US RECONCILE...ALL OF THIS ..BECAUSE WE LOVED HIM SO

For His eye is on the sparrow

Especially since my Dad went to heaven, I just can't seem to get this song out of my head, which makes sense considering that my Mom plays it so often...along with the beautiful fact that daughter #4, Valerie Herder, sang this song for Dad at his Memorial service in Denver.

This song seems to intimately know him, we have so much leftover love yet to give him, we longingly miss him...every hour of every day...

HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW 

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

- Words by Civilla D. Martin, 1905

- Music Charles H. Gabriel, 1905

Civilla Martin wrote:
"Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience."
The next day she mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music.
Singer Ethel Waters so loved this song that she used its name as the title for her autobiography.

Dear Physicians, Please Won't You Share?

Allow me to somewhat knowingly decipher this article below for you...

In a nutshell, not every physician is a good sharer.  Meaning that, unfortunately, some Moms slacked off and never taught the important "sharing virtue" to their children and some of those children grew up and became doctors.

Current awareness of "end of life care" including hospice, palliative care, supportive care, etc. should FOREMOST be the personal responsibility of EVERY PHYSICIAN to inform EVERY ONE of their patients of and with.  

Patients go to physicians that they trust with their VERY LIVES, thus if there is any information that may even somewhat be beneficial to any patient (regardless of the physicians own personal opinions and experiences) their physician OWES IT TO THEIR PATIENTS LIVES to clearly share these resources!

Countless people, organizations, political groups, advocates, etc. and so on STRUGGLE to come up with additional ways to get End of Life and Palliative Care information to each and every patient, exceedingly high amounts of money and resources are used and spent in order to do so.

Why are all of these efforts to spread End of Life and Palliative Care Awareness necessary to begin with?!!

It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, relaying this information should not be difficult!  All each physician needs to do is personally and notedly hand one of those fliers/books/dvds/resources that they are constantly gifted with to their patients!  That's it!  

Do we really need to pass a law requiring physicians to "share"?

End-of-life care differs by race: study

January 30, 2009

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - The way that older adults with advanced cancer live out their last days seems to vary based on race, a US study suggests.

But the reasons for the discrepancies remain unclear, according to the researchers, led by Dr. Alexander K. Smith of Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston.

"Improved understanding," they write, "will hopefully lead to interventions that improve end-of-life care for all patients with advanced cancer."

SOURCE: Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, January 2009.

Cherishing the Now, Begging for More

This is the letter that I wrote to my Dad very early on New Years Day, 2009...11 days prior to his, PapAmores', death...

You gathered us around you this night, the last one of this year. All these anxious faces, all these pleading eyes, looking up to you, like we always do, drinking in your presence even more than we did before.

We're scared, we try to hide it, but it really shows, I'm afraid we're not doing that great a job...well, okay...I am, I'm the one aimless and lost, incredibly scared, terrified, devastated, crushed...pretty much praying for the end of the world.

Papa, my Daddy, you love without end, you're the rock, the beacon of light, the fixer, the healer, the widsom, the strength, you're rational and wise and smart as the universe, yet funny and silly, you're cool Papa, why...you're Papamore!

And I still run home to you...and now my girls do too, so you see...well, maybe that's the problem? Is it because He wants us to only run to Him?

And if that's true, and I'm sorry I don't think it is, but if it is, then that is just really stupid! Why, if God would be that freaking mean, well then, then it wouldn't be Him. Because the God I know, the God you've shown us in everything you do, He knew we needed someone very special to be able to run to, He knew no one else could ever do, but you.

So, when we run to you, He smiles, because He sees how very much more we love Him, through you...

Anna stayed up to watch the ball drop, "it's a brand new year" she said, then she smiled and told me that she was thinking, God has a ton of stuff to remember, so she understands that He might have forgotten that Papa needs to get better because, with all that He has going on, maybe she just needs to remind Him more that she really needs her real Daddy around for a really long time, her real Daddy, her Papa.

"And God listens to our prayers, He really does," she peacefully told me with a smile...

Of course, she's right...she's Papa's little mustard seed.

We love you, with all our hearts...and then some...

And we are okay, we're okay! I promise...xoxoxoxo

Potential effective treatment of refractory and relapsed AML

Chemotherapy for Relapsed AML: Making the Best Out of a Bad Situation

Current Clinical Trials

Check for U.S. clinical trials from NCI's PDQ Cancer Clinical Trials Registry that are now accepting patients with recurrent adult acute myeloid leukemia.

Look for Therapy

Pulmonary leukostasis in hyperleukocytotic AML is an oncologic emergency demanding rapid intervention. The combined treatment with chemotherapy and radiation appears useful.

Effective treatment of refractory and relapsed AML with the triple combination of mitoxantrone, topotecan and cytosin-arabinoside (MTC)

Patients (pts) with acute myeloid leukemia (AML) and mutant RAS benefit from high-dose cytarabine (HDAC) intensification: a Cancer and Leukemia Group B (CALGB) study

Studies of Voreloxin in AML  "We are extremely pleased by these interim results for both of our AML studies."

These data show that the combination of Mylotarg and Cytosar has significant activity with acceptable toxicities in children with relapsed AML.

Mylotarg®, Cytosar®, and Novantrone® Effective for Relapsed Adult AML (10/23/2008)

Mylotarg® May Decrease Relapse Rate in Patients with Newly Diagnosed AML (01/16/2007)

Mylotarg® and Vidaza® Effective for Elderly with AML or MDS (01/03/2007)

LOR-2040...including an advanced Phase II clinical trial with LOR-2040 and high dose Ara-C (HiDAC) in refractory and relapsed Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML)

Nevertheless, within the limits discussed earlier, the cases described here illustrate that tyrosine kinase inhibition of c-kit and/or PDGFR using imatinib may have potential therapeutic use in AML.

Uplifting Reply from Congressman Pete Hoekstra

Dear Ms. Huizenga-Lubbers:

 

Thank you for contacting me about palliative care.  I am sorry to hear of your father's passing and am disheartened to learn of the difficulties that you have experienced.

 

I appreciate hearing of your support for palliative care.  President Obama has prioritized health care reform in the early days of his administration.  I look forward to the debate over ensuring that patients have access to the types of care that they need.

 

Please know that I will remain mindful of your support for the expanded use of palliative care as Congress continues to deliberate over the matter.  I hope Congress and our new president will work in a spirit of bipartisanship in developing solutions to such an important issue.

 

Again, thank you for sharing your views with me.

 

Sincerely,

Pete Hoekstra
Member of Congress

We Lost our Haven in the Middle of the Storm

Who will protect us now?

Who will provide shelter from the elements outside?

Where will we run to now?

What will bring us refuge?

We are so exposed...out here...in the rain...in the cold...in the sleet, hail and lightening...

We've lost our protection...the very essence of our being has been ripped from our souls...

There is a violent storm around us, it's destructive power is increasing...but, we have no where to run to...no haven in which to abide...

For You, our Forever Safe Place...have died

And it's so hard to look up, when your face is being smashed into the ground.

Don't You Know That My Papa Died?!

Oh, your precious and wise, Annabella...she misses you so much, Papa.  You knew her best of all, what was really going on in that brilliant little mind of hers, how much she really hurt when she said it was all okay.  She was able to easily cry with you, open up her amazing heart fully in the safety of your love.

And, it's hard to understand for a billion different reasons, why you're no longer here, whatever good could come from a plan that takes you from us?  

A plan, this now, the present, in which Anna is simultaneously forced to endure a recent single parent family/broken home while at the same time having her most sacred one, You, ripped from her life...I'm afraid I'll never make sense of that why.

So today, because I had to, today...because the entire world just keeps moving on, I had to go meet with my divorce attorney.  It's ugly on top of ugly...a cruel reminder of the constantly painful past and frequently tormented presence.  

My heart breaks to witness the additional pain this "extra" devastation further saddens those I most hold dear.

And Papa, my sweet Papa...I know that meeting with my attorney was on your "short list" that you ever so faithfully were determined to yet do...but, there wasn't enough time and I did not work very hard to make it happen that last week.  How could I?  Schedule your time to include something as ugly as this for your last moments on earth?  

I'm sorry, Papa...I couldn't...

But, Brett went with me today, I had told him he really didn't need to, however I am SO glad he did!  You would be so proud of him, Papa...he's the best big brother ever, he's even becoming a lot like you...which is very good!  ;)

It is overwhelming...we love you so much that...it's difficult to be around those unaffected by your death sometimes.  

Especially devastating to clearly know and see that the one you daily prayed for and loved, the one that I brought into your life...honestly doesn't give a damn, at all...

Anna was very upset with some boys at school yesterday, they had thrown a snowball at her and in response she had whipped right around and nearly screamed at them...

"How could you do that to me?!  Don't you know that my Papa died?!"

At that moment, I knew exactly how she felt...yet ever so helplessly, all I could do was just hug her ever so tightly and say, "I know, Papa's pizon, I know...it just doesn't make any sense at all."

Sigh a thousand sighs

"In a way I think you're lucky, it's so hard here."

My words to PapAmore as he stood at the brink of death...

Lucky to be TRULY living...Lucky to have no more tears...Lucky to know the essence of peace...Lucky to have no more fear...Lucky to know Jesus...Lucky to commune with God...Lucky to be in heaven...Lucky to not fear hell...

Lucky to feel this pain...Lucky to have our hearts shattered...Lucky to have your memory...Lucky to have been taught what only and truly matters...

Lucky to recognize the scent of your cologne...Lucky to know we're never truly alone...Lucky to be loved without measure...Lucky to feel true grace...the Grace from Him alone...

Lucky to cry...Lucky to mourn...Lucky to question...Lucky to have our very souls ache...ever since you've been gone.

Lucky to have had you at all...Lucky to join you above soon...

In just one blink of an eye we'll all be together forever...

Lucky to run to you above someday...

Lucky, most lucky...to have had been and be yours...

Lucky to have had you all...

Lucky

Because of you...

The most luckiest lucky of all...

No Regrets, God's Plan

PIANO DI AMORE - PAPA PRESENT DAY

It arrived yesterday, in the afternoon...our surprise gift from you, our PapAmore.

The delivery truck came, just as you had scheduled and previously planned, to our house.

We are overwhelmed, remarkably not surprised, but definitely overwhelmed.  

Overwhelmed by the greatness and significance, not surprised because remarkably so, it's so you...so lovingly you...that's what we knew, what we'll always have within us, the forever gift of being loved by you...

You ordered a piano for us, before you died...it's something we've always dreamed of, have been saving for years to have, never imagined that we would soon actually have as our own.  

But in your final hours, you made this dream come true.

We are forever loved because once we were loved by you.

Yesterday you gave us the gift of our dreams, tomorrow we're going to get the sheet music for "That's Amore" and sing it forever for you...

We love you, Papa

Thank You

Arend 'Odee''s Update by Wanda Lenderink

THE WORD FOR TODAY...."I AM STILL ALIVE....NOW, YOU KEEP LIVING! "

Posted 2 days ago

AS THE MANY CLOCKS IN OUR HOUSE ,THE CLOCKS THAT ODEE SO FAITHFULLY KEPT WORKING...TICKED AWAY REACHING FOR A NEW YEAR...OUR LOVING ODEE GATHERED US AROUND HIM...THE EYES OF EACH ONE OF US INTENSILY FOCUSED ON THE MAN WE LOVED...OUR HEARTS WERE SO TRANSPARENT ...OF THE NEED FOR MORE TIME..

AS THE TICKING CONTINUED ...WITH COMPASSION ODEE ACKNOWLEDGED THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF NO REMISSION....LESS TIME HE REMINDED US ...WE STILL HAVE HOPE...HOPE FOR A MIRACLE...OUR TIME WAS IN OUR LORDS HANDS ...THE LEUKEMIA WAS NOT THE KEEPER OF THE CLOCKS...HE TOLD US OF HIS LOVE FOR US...HIS NEED FOR MORE TIME WITH US.....THANKING US FOR OUR LOVE...

AS THE TICKING CONTINUED ..HIS VOICE BETRAYED THE SURRENDER OF HIS HEART..."BUT IF GODS SAYS... "IT IS TIME"..THEN I ,MUST LEAVE...I WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART...DON'T THINK FOR ONE MINUTE THAT I WILL LEAVE YOU...IN FACT ,I WILL HAVE A BETTER PERSPECTIVE AND I WILL BE RELENTLESS...I WILL NEVER STOP BUGGING YOU ...BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE YOU ALL IN HEAVEN SOMEDAY...I KNOW YOU WILL BE SAD AND THERE WILL BE TEARS..BUT YOU MUST NOT LIVE THAT WAY...LOOK, I'M STILL ALIVE SO YOU MUST KEEP ON LIVING...AND OUR TEARS FLOWED AS THE SECONDS TICKED ON...AND AS ONLY THE MAN WE LOVED COULD DO ..HE POINTED HIS FINGER AT ALL OF US ..."ALRIGHT NOW, NO MORE CRYING"...

AS TIME TICKED ON...A NEW YEAR..WE SPENT OUR TIME ..LOOKING FOR MORE HOPE..WATCHING THE LEUKEMIA INVADE..DESPERATE FOR MORE TIME ..BEGGING GOD ..REMINDING HIM OF YOU PRECIOUS PEOPLE PRAYING ...PRAYING WHEN OUR HEARTS WERE SO WEARY..AS WE MET WITH THE DOCTOR ..WE ASKED HOW MUCH TIME ?..."WEEKS TO SIX MONTHS"...OUR HEARTS ONLY HEARD SIX MONTHS ..MAYBE TIME FOR A NEW TREATMENT ..

THE LAST THREE DAYS...MORE FAMILY CAME JUST WANTING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEIR DAD AND GRANDPA...SISTERS AND BROTHERS CAME ..SOME STILL COMING..AS THE HOURS AND MINUTES TICKED ON...NEW HOPE CAME ...AN APPOINTMENT WITH A RESEARCH SPECIALIST IN CHICAGO ...EVEN A JET MADE AVAILABLE TO FLY HIM DOWN THERE...

AS TIME TICKED ON ..AND IT WAS JUST HIM AND ME...CLOSE TO EACH OTHER ..WE BORE OUR SOULS WE TALKED OF THE MIRACLE THAT GOD HAD PLACED US TOGETHER...WE TALKED OF OUR LOVE...WE WERE SO THANKFUL..BUT ..PLEASE LORD MORE!!!! WE TRIED TO TALK OF THE "IF'S" ...BUT IT WAS SO PAINFUL....WE WOULD FIND OURSELVES STARING AT EACH OTHER ..AS IF IT MIGHT BE OUR LAST LOOK..

NEVER KNOWING THAT AS THE CLOCKS TICKED ON ..ALL OF HEAVEN WAS PREPARING FOR THAT MOMENT...TO US IT CAME AS SURPRISED ...WE THOUGHT WE STILL HAD MORE TIME ....MAYBE HOPE...BUT AS WE GATHERED AROUND HIS BED...HIS BREATHING SO DIFFICULT HIS EYES A PICTURE OF HIS SOUL ...I REMEMBERED HIS WORDS...IF THE TIME COMES ..."YOU HAVE TO BE READY TO LET ME GO "...I BEGGED HIM TO UNDERSTAND...HOW COULD I DO THAT??....LOVINGLY, HE TOLD ME WHEN THAT TIME COMES ...HE WOULD LET ME KNOW...AND ON THAT DAY AS TIME STOOD STILL...HIS EYES TOLD ME IT WAS TIME ..MY LOVE LET HIM GO ... AND THROUGH OUR TEARS ..WE REMEMBERED HIS WORDS ...I'M STILL ALIVE....[IN HEAVEN]...SO KEEP ON LIVING...

PRAY FOR US .....WE KNOW OUR LORD WILL BE WITH US....AND WILL MEND OUR BROKEN HEARTS...BUT ...HOW WE MISS THE MAN WE LOVED....AND THE CLOCKS KEEP ON TICKING ...EVEN THOUGH OUR WORLD HAS STOPPED ...