a crimson hue of grief

My pain bleeds vividly.

a crimson hue of grief

It startles those who see it.

the intensity of its color

I miss him in red.

with passion and boldness

The earth is eternally wounded.

he left a crater behind

All this leftover love.

the beauty of the mourning

Talking to your younger and/or school age child about your cancer...

Great podcast found HERE, some highlights from below...

• Talk to them about your cancer, share information with them. By not doing so you may be (unintentionally) pushing them towards spying tactics in order to gain information.  Clear accurate age appropriate information.
• Assure them that nothing they did, said or thought caused the cancer.
• Find a way for them to "help" you...allowing them to do so will benefit and empower the child.
• Comfort, comfort, comfort them.  Reassure them that feelings are okay.

Can I get it from you?
Cancer is not "catchy" ~ it's not a germ.

Who will take care of me?
Assure them that they will be cared for...keep routines as normal as possible.   You're so important, we've already thought of this and have set it up for you.  Make plans and say YES to help.  Consistency is Key

Is the "non-cancer" parent okay?
Assure them, tell them the doctor says they're healthy, etc.

Will you die?
If you know your disease is advanced do not make false promises. Tell them that the doctor is giving you very strong medicine and you're doing everything that you can to fight this and take care of yourself.

Fantastic Resource Link...

http://www.cancercare.org/

Support services to help patients cope with the emotional and social impacts of a cancer diagnosis must be included in the standard care patients receive, urges a report from the National Academies' Institute of Medicine (IOM).

Using This Book

This book is meant to be a tool to assist you in talking to young children.  It is not meant to make things more difficult or complicated for you as you are dealing with cancer.  By providing you with a choice of pages and topics, we hope that you can use exactly what feels right to you in helping your children understand and cope with cancer in the family.  Please do not stress about which pages to choose, or how many pages to utilize.  After using the book once or twice, your children’s responses will guide you to the next choice of pages and topics.

Missing Papa "Movie" Finale'

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Why?

Why didn't you fight for him?

Why didn't you tell us how to face the horrific battle?

Why did you ignore his soul's pleas to live?

Why?

Why did you put my dying Father "on hold" with no hope?

Why didn't you try harder?

Why didn't you share information with us on Palliative Care?

Why?

Why didn't you offer him even one minute option?

Why were you so threatened by a second opinion?

Why were desperate calls for any hope at all so "inconvenient" for you?

Why?

Why didn't you care more?

Why did you, seemingly, not care at all?

Why didn't you value the life of my Father?

Why?

PapAmore' "Press"

Thanks Peace4 "Gwennie" for sharing...xoxo

http://peace4missing.ning.com/profile/GwenJohnson

My Dad LOVED this Poem, which says an awful lot of GOOD about Him

A "Mother's Day" Poem

*Just for this morning...      I am going to step over

the laundry,  and pick you up and take you to the park to play. 

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes 

in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of 

yours together. 

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and 

keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and 

blow bubbles. 

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, 

not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the 

ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by. 

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about 

what you are going t o be when you grow up, or second guess 

every decision I have made where you are concerned . 

*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, 

and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. 

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy 

us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys. 

*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you 

a story about how you were born and how much I love you. 

*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and 

not get angry. 

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit 

on the porch and count all the stars. 

*Just for this evening, I will snuggle besideyou for hours, 

and miss my favorite TV shows. 

*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair 

as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the 

greatest gift ever given. 

*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching 

for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are 

visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and 

mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching 

their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that 

they can't handle it anymore. 

*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, 

a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and 

ask Him for nothing, except one more day............. 

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Oh, my papa

Oh, my papa, to me he was so wonderful Oh, my papa, to me he was so good No one could be, so gentle and so lovable Oh, my papa, he always understood. Gone are the days when he could take me on his knee And with a smile he'd change my tears to laughter Oh, my papa, so funny, so adorable Always the clown so funny in his way Oh, my papa, to me he was so wonderful Deep in my heart I miss him so today.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

http://papamore.blogspot.com

PapAmore' - Loved Me

I had given my Dad 2 of JJ Heller's CD's (Love Me included on one of them) while he was in the hospital, the first time, under induction...and I myself listened to them (I had also purchased copies for myself ;) as well over and over again, I so related to the words of her songs, yet was then yet unable to share with others that I did.

So...this is my Father...he calls, not crying, but classic PapAmore' choked up, and says..."Can you believe it?  How could another ones songs and words that you never met nor know, be so about you?"

We miss him...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

God STILL works Miracles - AML Remission through Only Herbal Therapy

Definitely do take the time to check out the blog Jaymun's Mom made for him...he is a living testimony of God's ability to truly work miracles.  His site also contains extensive information on herbal therapy.

My 2.5 year old son's AML relapsed (CNS and marrow) eight months ago.  He was born with AML (congenital) and had a BMT back in 2006.  After several months and two rounds of chemo he was still not in remission.  This was six months ago that we went home - his marrow was aplastic - he was neutropenic - and he was recovering from a cranial tap to drain subdural hygromas. 

Although we went home to only have a few weeks of "quality of life", now it is six months later and his marrow has finally recovered - and there is no cancer in his CNS fluid either!

We did quite extensive herbal therapy in the past six months - now that he is in remission - we are leaning against CNS radiation (the normal path).  

Medical details are on our blog: www.jaymun.com/journal/2009_02_02

Any thoughts on this situation?

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

How could my Mom's Birthday be Happy, when my Dad is no longer here?

Once upon a time, because He so deeply loves us and really wanted us to see, God put a face on True Love.  He allowed us to witness an "in real life" story of what "to truly cherish someone" means.  

Lucky us, most of all, who saw this up close...and when we did, we were struck with the knowledge of...this must be what life and love really means.

When I think of PapAmore' - when I think of my sweet Mom, the very first thing that comes to mind...is sacred love.  

Love that you're in awe of, love that makes you personally feel better to be around, love that must be the kind we'll someday know in heaven, a love that, just from witnessing, you'll forever carry within yourself as well.

This was not a selfish love, this love didn't swallow up each other and escape from the world...rather it gave the one it most adored on earth the passion, support and desire to do even that much more, for every life it knew.

My parents never stopped holding hands under the table...they never lost that "drown in you" gaze.  When my Dad told me that once he met my beautiful Mother, that he never once laid eyes on another woman again...I never once questioned the validity behind his words.

It was a "look what I have" love, an "I am so blessed" love, a love that continually thanked their God above, first and foremost, for their greatest gift on earth, each other, together, in love.

A never could wain love, a "we will survive" love, a never should die love...a love without end...

A love that made sense of my own life's disdain...gave the pain in my marriage, my consistently beaten up heart, the hope to believe in something more.  

Most importantly, their love assured me of God's love.  It painted a picture of how HE intended love to be.  That true love is more than just a "Bible Story" but rather truly lives and breathes even amidst our sinful world, as was consistently evident in the very ones I most adored.

How do you live without your soul mate?  

However could God take my Dad from my Mom?  

Why wouldn't He want them to continue loving one another forever?  

Didn't He see the great hope their love brought to everyone else around?

Why is the essential other half of the epitome of love on earth...no longer here?

My Mom's birthday is in 3 days...and the one thing, the only thing, she wants...is no longer here...

Happy (un)happy Birthday, Mom...xoxoxoxoxoxo

Grief Cannot Be "Scheduled"

Pain unexpected

lack of all warning

tackles me

onto the ground

Grief has no timezone

comes as it pleases

sneaking up

quietly, no sound

There is no "safe place"

no detour from hell

intense fire

forever burns

Hearts that are bleeding

souls that are shattered

hard to breathe

takes no returns

It creeps up

it sneaks up

it swallows one whole

This monster

this evil

of dirt and of pain

The thunderous roar of grief

by Wanda Lenderink, my heartbroken Mom and Wife of my Dad

AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK.......

Posted 9 minutes ago

WE REALIZE THAT WE HAVE SAID GOOD BYE TO THE MAN WE LOVED ....WE HAVE CELEBRATED HIS LIFE ....HERE AND IN DENVER...WE HAVE FELT YOUR LOVE...YOUR TOUCH...YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS....WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AS HIS FAMILY....SHARING..LOVING ...CRYING...SINGING TO HIM AS WE FELT THE RAWNESS OF DEATH WHEN WE LEFT HIM IN HIS FINAL RESTING PLACE...

WE HAVE TOLD THE STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN ....WE HAVE CRIED SO MANY TEARS...WE HAVE SAID OVER AND OVER ...HAS THIS REALLY HAPPENED ????

AS WE LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL TELL US IT A JUST A BAD DREAM.....WE REALIZE AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK ..THAT THE REAL MIRACLE IS THAT WE STILL BELIEVE..AND TRUST OUR LORD...

...AS OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN.....AND AS THE CLOCKS REMIND US OF TIME ...WE REALIZE WE HAVE DONE ALL OF THIS...

THE MILK IN REFRIGERATOR THAT WAS PURCHASED BEFORE ODEE DIED IS STILL FRESH...

AND WE SAY ...DEAR LORD HOW CAN THIS BE?????? 

AND THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK..

SO MANY PRAYED SO HARD...WE KNOW GOD HEARD OUR PRAYERS....AND YET HE DIED....

WE CLUTCH OUR GRIEF TIGHTLY.....EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE TELLS US THAT GOD WANTS TO CARRY OUR PAIN....WE STILL HOLD TIGHT .....BECAUSE HE IS GONE....AND THE ONLY COMFORT WE WANT IS IN HEAVEN....

DEAR LORD...HELP US RECONCILE...ALL OF THIS ..BECAUSE WE LOVED HIM SO

For His eye is on the sparrow

Especially since my Dad went to heaven, I just can't seem to get this song out of my head, which makes sense considering that my Mom plays it so often...along with the beautiful fact that daughter #4, Valerie Herder, sang this song for Dad at his Memorial service in Denver.

This song seems to intimately know him, we have so much leftover love yet to give him, we longingly miss him...every hour of every day...

HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW 

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

- Words by Civilla D. Martin, 1905

- Music Charles H. Gabriel, 1905

Civilla Martin wrote:
"Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience."
The next day she mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music.
Singer Ethel Waters so loved this song that she used its name as the title for her autobiography.