Children and Grief

Children's Page - Did someone you love die? Or, did someone you love have to go away?

There are many feelings when someone dies or leaves.  These big feelings are called "grief".  Here are some feelings of grief that you may have.  Other children say they feel this way, too. 

Here are some faces that show some of these feelings.  Which one is most like how you feel today?

THINGS TO DO WHEN BIG FEELINGS ARE IN YOUR HEART

 

RUN OR JOG	JUMP UP AND DOWN	TALK TO SOMEONE	THROW SOMETHING SOFT	PLAY BALL
SCREAM INTO A PILLOW	PUNCH A PILLOW	MAKE A PICTURE	WRITE A STORY	CRY
SING

          

Here are some grief feelings. Do you feel them?

VERY SAD       ANGRY         MAD           SLEEPY      HUNGRY       SILLY         

FORGETFUL       BAD DREAMS        STOMACHACHES        HEADACHES

SCARED      LONELY      CAN'T SLEEP        NOT HUNGRY      HAPPY

WORRIED

ACTIVITIES FOR GRIEF

Click on each of these and print out the pages.

 

ART

 

GRIEF FEELINGS

WHAT HAPPENED

WHERE IT HURTS

BEST MEMORY

 

WRITING

 

PEOPLE WHO CARE

WHAT CHANGED

PAPER CHAIN

YOUR STORY

Most Recent Update from PapAmore's Care Page

OUR FAMILY..

Posted 22 hours ago

We ask for prayers for Odee's daughter Denises' husband Ray...and their family.

Ray's Dad...John Vander Wal entered his heavenly home...yesterday.

Our hearts continue to break as another much loved family..must say good bye to another Dad and Grandpa...

We pray they will feel our love ..and the love of our Heavenly Father

(by Wanda Lenderink, wife of PapAmore' and my Mom)

Online Six Week Personal Healing Study for the Grieving

A six-week personal study for your journey from mourning to joy

This is a special part of this website that will guide you to sections of the Bible that are relevant to the emotions, worries and questions you are dealing with right now. We like to think of the Bible as the “owner’s manual” for life. It’s a place where you can get real-world answers for real-world problems, including the death of someone special.

We’ve prepared six weeks of material that can make a significant contribution to your healing process.

Make time each week to explore the material in this personal study section. You’ll find it can become a time to grow closer to God and find His help for the things going on in your life (no matter how difficult or painful!). The study is separated into six weeks, with five days of Scripture reflections, questions and life applications. You might want to highlight or underline verses that are especially meaningful to you. This can help you find those verses again quickly.

A good way to begin your personal study time each day is with a simple prayer asking God to show you what He would like you to see during your study that day (can you imagine Him not answering that prayer?). You don’t have to use fancy words, just talk to God and ask for His help in understanding what you read.

• Week 1
• Week 2
• Week 3
• Week 4
• Week 5
• Week 6

All material © MCMXCIX, MMVI by Church Initiative. Permission granted to print a single copy for personal use. All other forms of duplication or distribution, including digital, electronic, mechanical and print, require the written consent of GriefShare.

Related links for coping with grief and loss

Related links for coping with grief and loss

General information about grief and loss

The Grieving Process – Provides helpful handouts on the grieving process, including the stages of grief, how to take care of yourself, and the different ways people react to loss. (Hospice of the North Shore)

Life after Loss: Dealing with Grief – Guide to coping with grief and loss, including normal grief reactions to expect. (University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center)

Grief Support – Provides insights into grieving and the grief process. A companion page contains detailed information about children’s grief. (Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement)

Death and Grief – Article for teens on how to cope with grief and loss. Includes tips for dealing with the pain and taking care of yourself during the grieving process. (Nemours Foundation)

Death of a loved one

Grief: Coping With Reminders After a Loss – Tips for coping with the grief that can resurface even years after you’ve lost a loved one. (Mayo Clinic)

Healing Steps – Advice on how to heal after the death of a loved one, including the rituals that can help and things you can do to keep memories alive. (California Home Care & Hospice, Inc.)

On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Widowed and Seven Choices of Grief – A comprehensive series of articles on grief and loss offering practical, as well as psychological advice. (AARP)Support for grief and loss

GriefNet.org – Online support community for people dealing with grief, death, and major loss, with over fifty monitored support groups for both kids and adults.

Compassionate Friends - National, self-help organization for those grieving the loss of a child. Includes a Chapter Locator and supportive online brochures on various aspects of grief.

Stages of grief

The Kübler-Ross grief cycle – Details each stage as it applies to persons facing death or other negative life change. Note that the cycle as presented includes seven stages, including initial shock. (ChangingMinds.org)

What is Grief? – Lays out general stages of grief with tips for helping someone who is grieving. (University of Illinois Counseling Center)

Complicated grief and depression

Major Depression and Complicated Grief – Lists the warning signs and symptoms that suggest grief has progressed to major depression or complicated grief. (American Cancer Society)

Complicated Grief – Guide to the symptoms, causes, risk factors, and treatment of complicated grief. (Mayo Clinic)

Complicated Grief – Learn the difference between the normal grief reaction and complicated grief. Includes information about symptoms, risk factors, and treatment. (Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide)

Grief after suicide 

Grief after Suicide - Survivors of suicide and their friends can help each other and themselves by gaining an understanding of grief after suicide. (Canadian Mental Health Association)

Grief after Suicide Understanding your emotions, as well as suicide in general, may ease your grieving after suicide. (Buddha Dharma Education Association) 

Melinda Smith, M.A., Ellen Jaffe–Gill, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified: January 2009.

Talking with your doctor about your end-of-life wishes

The miserable have no other medicine; But only hope. --William Shakespeare

How to Talk with Your Healthcare Providers

• Ask your doctor to explain treatments and procedures that may seem confusing before you complete your directives.
• Talk about pain management options.
• Let your doctor know that you are completing your advance directives.
• Make sure your doctor is willing to follow your directives. The law does not force physicians to follow directives if they disagree with your wishes for moral or ethical reasons.
• What will you do if I have a lot of pain or other uncomfortable symptoms?
• How will you help us find excellent professionals with special training when we need them
• Will you let me know if treatment stops working so that my family and I can make appropriate decisions?
• Will you still be available to me even when I am close to the end of my life?

Advocating for your loved one. 

• Be assertive in expressing your wishes. 
• Clearly state the reasons behind your requests without being hostile.
• Ask questions. To be effective and to make informed decisions, learn as much as possible about your loved one's condition and prognosis.
• Ask about the goals of the treatment plan - often. A physician's definition of recovery can be different from what is acceptable to you or your loved one. Seek the assistance of a social worker or patient representative if necessary. Such professionals can help improve communication between you and the physician.
• Don't be afraid to speak to the facility's administration. If the physician is unresponsive, go directly to his or her superiors, including the chief of medicine, risk manager, hospital lawyer or administrator. 

Cancer Patients, Lost in a Maze of Uneven Care

Todd Heisler/The New York Times

Karen Pasqualetto was only 35 and a new mother when a doctor diagnosed advanced colon cancer and gave her six months to live.

By DENISE GRADY

Published: July 29, 2007

Correction Appended

The first doctor gave her six months to live. The second and third said chemotherapy would buy more time, but surgery would not. A fourth offered to operate.

FULL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

Cancer Bereavement/Grief Support Resources

Local Bereavement/Grief Resource
Alive Hospice 
www.alivehospice.org

National Bereavement/Grief Resources
The American Cancer Society has many resources about coping with loss, the phases of grief, losing a child, coping with depression, etc. For more information:
Telephone: 1–800–ACS–2345
Internet Address: www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/MBC_4x_CopingGrief.asp

National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
Telephone: 1–800–658–8898 (End-of-Life Consumer Helpline)
Internet Address: www.nhpco.org

National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) 
Telephone: 1–800–228–6332 
Internet Address: www.nfda.org

Hospice Net 
Internet Address: www.hospicenet.org

Griefnet 
Internet Address: www.griefnet.org

Parents Without Partners International, Inc. 
Telephone: 1–312–644–6610 
Internet Address: www.parentswithoutpartners.org

Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation 
Telephone: 1–800–366–2223 
Internet Address: www.candlelighters.org

The Compassionate Friends 
Telephone: 1–877–969–0010 
Internet Address: www.compassionatefriends.org

CANCERCARE'S TELEPHONE EDUCATION WORKSHOP CALENDAR

Register for a Telephone Education Workshop.

MARCH

• March 12, 2009: Balancing Cancer and Careers: Living and Working with Cancer
• March 24, 2009: Caring for Your Bones When You Have Prostate Cancer

APRIL

• April 1, 2009: Medical Emergencies in Cancer Treatment
• April 2, 2009: Medical Update on Colon Cancer: What's New?
• April 14, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part I: Managing the Stress of Survivorship
• April 16, 2009: Medical Update on Head and Neck Cancer
• April 17, 2009: Hodgkin Lymphoma: Understanding Biology, Treatment and Survivorship
• April 23, 2009: Treatment Update on Glioblastoma
• April 24, 2009: Dental Health During Cancer Treatments
• April 29, 2009: Breast Cancer and African American Women
• April 30, 2009: Updates and Treatment Decisions About Lung Cancer

MAY

• May 14, 2009: For Parents, Caregivers and Professionals: Helping Brothers and Sisters of Children Living with Cancer
• May 15, 2009: Managing Treatment-Related Rash and Dry Skin
• May 19, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part II: The Importance of Nutrition and Physical Activity

JUNE

• June 10, 2009: Emerging Treatments for Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma
• June 17, 2009: Medical Update on Lung Cancer from the 2009 American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO) Annual Meeting
• June 18, 2009: Medical Update on Breast Cancer from the 2009 American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO) Annual Meeting
• June 23, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part III: Survivors Too: Family, Friends and Loved Ones - Managing the Fatigue of Caregiving
• June 25, 2009: Living with Metastatic Colorectal Cancer

Clinical Trials: Questions and Answers

Clinical Trials: Questions and Answers

Key Points Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people (see Question 1). Every clinical trial has a protocol, which describes what will be done in the study, how it will be conducted, and why each part of the study is necessary (see Question 4). Informed consent is a process by which people learn the important facts about a clinical trial to help them decide whether to participate (see Question 6). Payment of patient care costs in clinical trials varies by health insurance plan and by study (seeQuestion 11).

1. What are clinical trials, and why are they important?

Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people. Each study answers scientific questions and tries to find better ways to prevent, screen for, diagnose, or treat a disease. People who take part in cancer clinical trials have an opportunity to contribute to knowledge of, and progress against, cancer. They also receive up-to-date care from experts.

• READ MORE OF THIS ARTICLE BY CLICKING HERE

Elzo "Al" Gerlofs, May You Eternally Rest in Peace

...photo above is of Mark Gerlofs...

My brother-in-law's Dad died today...he had cancer...he passed away in his sleep at the hospital. 

All of Al Gerlofs loved ones are assured of his presence in glory, he gets to be by my Dad now too...I wish there would have been a way for him to take a note to him for me.  I don't understand why God didn't give Al that miracle "leftover" from my Dad, the one we never got to see nor use.

Losing both Fathers, both Papas in less than two months...that's unbearable.  Where is their haven?  Where is their shelter from the storm?  Why isn't God saving us?  Why did he take Papa Al now too?

Please remember the Gerlofs family in your most fervent thoughts and prayers...

"Fireworks" Video of Papa and Mimi

Lean to the Right...  ;)

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

Short Video Clip of Papa on the Phone

Just Lean to the Left ~

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

Ahhh...I love it, I have about 20 different videos of him all ending with him waving his hand at me to quit filming so much...LOL

PapAmore' - Loved Me

I had given my Dad 2 of JJ Heller's CD's (Love Me included on one of them) while he was in the hospital, the first time, under induction...and I myself listened to them (I had also purchased copies for myself ;) as well over and over again, I so related to the words of her songs, yet was then yet unable to share with others that I did.

So...this is my Father...he calls, not crying, but classic PapAmore' choked up, and says..."Can you believe it?  How could another ones songs and words that you never met nor know, be so about you?"

We miss him...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

How could my Mom's Birthday be Happy, when my Dad is no longer here?

Once upon a time, because He so deeply loves us and really wanted us to see, God put a face on True Love.  He allowed us to witness an "in real life" story of what "to truly cherish someone" means.  

Lucky us, most of all, who saw this up close...and when we did, we were struck with the knowledge of...this must be what life and love really means.

When I think of PapAmore' - when I think of my sweet Mom, the very first thing that comes to mind...is sacred love.  

Love that you're in awe of, love that makes you personally feel better to be around, love that must be the kind we'll someday know in heaven, a love that, just from witnessing, you'll forever carry within yourself as well.

This was not a selfish love, this love didn't swallow up each other and escape from the world...rather it gave the one it most adored on earth the passion, support and desire to do even that much more, for every life it knew.

My parents never stopped holding hands under the table...they never lost that "drown in you" gaze.  When my Dad told me that once he met my beautiful Mother, that he never once laid eyes on another woman again...I never once questioned the validity behind his words.

It was a "look what I have" love, an "I am so blessed" love, a love that continually thanked their God above, first and foremost, for their greatest gift on earth, each other, together, in love.

A never could wain love, a "we will survive" love, a never should die love...a love without end...

A love that made sense of my own life's disdain...gave the pain in my marriage, my consistently beaten up heart, the hope to believe in something more.  

Most importantly, their love assured me of God's love.  It painted a picture of how HE intended love to be.  That true love is more than just a "Bible Story" but rather truly lives and breathes even amidst our sinful world, as was consistently evident in the very ones I most adored.

How do you live without your soul mate?  

However could God take my Dad from my Mom?  

Why wouldn't He want them to continue loving one another forever?  

Didn't He see the great hope their love brought to everyone else around?

Why is the essential other half of the epitome of love on earth...no longer here?

My Mom's birthday is in 3 days...and the one thing, the only thing, she wants...is no longer here...

Happy (un)happy Birthday, Mom...xoxoxoxoxoxo

Grief Cannot Be "Scheduled"

Pain unexpected

lack of all warning

tackles me

onto the ground

Grief has no timezone

comes as it pleases

sneaking up

quietly, no sound

There is no "safe place"

no detour from hell

intense fire

forever burns

Hearts that are bleeding

souls that are shattered

hard to breathe

takes no returns

It creeps up

it sneaks up

it swallows one whole

This monster

this evil

of dirt and of pain

The thunderous roar of grief