He Always Made Sure We Were Okay...

On Christmas Day, 2008...we celebrated Jesus' birth with our PapAmore' ~

"Papa and Nana" picked the girls and I up that day to go over to my sister's house, which is about 30 minutes away and where we were having the party.  

I was a bit concerned about this Christmas, being without my girl's Father there, yet knowing it was still okay, because, infinite praises to God, Papa WAS THERE.  And seeing how proud he was of me, how much more relieved Papa was to know that the girls and my lives were now able to experience a life without constant continuous fear and shame...I carry that in my heart, it gives me the strength to do the right thing and be the single parent my girls deserve...  

I'll get better if you do, he told me, no more of this, Papa said as he took my face in his big as the world hands, no more of his abuse, no more of his sick ways, we can finally have you back now, it's going to be such a great Christmas day...

And so when they pulled up to our house that day, he scooped them up, as he always did, and safely tucked and buckled them into the car.

My Dad must have known that I was feel a little concerned about this day, this first Christmas of my girls now broken home....I remember him purposely catching my eye in the rearview mirror and winking at me, as if to say, it's going to be okay...

And, it was okay...it was better than okay, it was great...

We sang Christmas songs on the way, Papa turned off the radio and we just sang with our own voices, how he loved to sing!  

And the whole way there, I noticed him checking in his rearview mirror to make sure I was okay, he always made sure we were okay...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Children and Grief

Children's Page - Did someone you love die? Or, did someone you love have to go away?

There are many feelings when someone dies or leaves.  These big feelings are called "grief".  Here are some feelings of grief that you may have.  Other children say they feel this way, too. 

Here are some faces that show some of these feelings.  Which one is most like how you feel today?

THINGS TO DO WHEN BIG FEELINGS ARE IN YOUR HEART

 

RUN OR JOG	JUMP UP AND DOWN	TALK TO SOMEONE	THROW SOMETHING SOFT	PLAY BALL
SCREAM INTO A PILLOW	PUNCH A PILLOW	MAKE A PICTURE	WRITE A STORY	CRY
SING

          

Here are some grief feelings. Do you feel them?

VERY SAD       ANGRY         MAD           SLEEPY      HUNGRY       SILLY         

FORGETFUL       BAD DREAMS        STOMACHACHES        HEADACHES

SCARED      LONELY      CAN'T SLEEP        NOT HUNGRY      HAPPY

WORRIED

ACTIVITIES FOR GRIEF

Click on each of these and print out the pages.

 

ART

 

GRIEF FEELINGS

WHAT HAPPENED

WHERE IT HURTS

BEST MEMORY

 

WRITING

 

PEOPLE WHO CARE

WHAT CHANGED

PAPER CHAIN

YOUR STORY

Most Recent Update from PapAmore's Care Page

OUR FAMILY..

Posted 22 hours ago

We ask for prayers for Odee's daughter Denises' husband Ray...and their family.

Ray's Dad...John Vander Wal entered his heavenly home...yesterday.

Our hearts continue to break as another much loved family..must say good bye to another Dad and Grandpa...

We pray they will feel our love ..and the love of our Heavenly Father

(by Wanda Lenderink, wife of PapAmore' and my Mom)

Online Six Week Personal Healing Study for the Grieving

A six-week personal study for your journey from mourning to joy

This is a special part of this website that will guide you to sections of the Bible that are relevant to the emotions, worries and questions you are dealing with right now. We like to think of the Bible as the “owner’s manual” for life. It’s a place where you can get real-world answers for real-world problems, including the death of someone special.

We’ve prepared six weeks of material that can make a significant contribution to your healing process.

Make time each week to explore the material in this personal study section. You’ll find it can become a time to grow closer to God and find His help for the things going on in your life (no matter how difficult or painful!). The study is separated into six weeks, with five days of Scripture reflections, questions and life applications. You might want to highlight or underline verses that are especially meaningful to you. This can help you find those verses again quickly.

A good way to begin your personal study time each day is with a simple prayer asking God to show you what He would like you to see during your study that day (can you imagine Him not answering that prayer?). You don’t have to use fancy words, just talk to God and ask for His help in understanding what you read.

• Week 1
• Week 2
• Week 3
• Week 4
• Week 5
• Week 6

All material © MCMXCIX, MMVI by Church Initiative. Permission granted to print a single copy for personal use. All other forms of duplication or distribution, including digital, electronic, mechanical and print, require the written consent of GriefShare.

Related links for coping with grief and loss

Related links for coping with grief and loss

General information about grief and loss

The Grieving Process – Provides helpful handouts on the grieving process, including the stages of grief, how to take care of yourself, and the different ways people react to loss. (Hospice of the North Shore)

Life after Loss: Dealing with Grief – Guide to coping with grief and loss, including normal grief reactions to expect. (University of Texas Counseling and Mental Health Center)

Grief Support – Provides insights into grieving and the grief process. A companion page contains detailed information about children’s grief. (Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement)

Death and Grief – Article for teens on how to cope with grief and loss. Includes tips for dealing with the pain and taking care of yourself during the grieving process. (Nemours Foundation)

Death of a loved one

Grief: Coping With Reminders After a Loss – Tips for coping with the grief that can resurface even years after you’ve lost a loved one. (Mayo Clinic)

Healing Steps – Advice on how to heal after the death of a loved one, including the rituals that can help and things you can do to keep memories alive. (California Home Care & Hospice, Inc.)

On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Widowed and Seven Choices of Grief – A comprehensive series of articles on grief and loss offering practical, as well as psychological advice. (AARP)Support for grief and loss

GriefNet.org – Online support community for people dealing with grief, death, and major loss, with over fifty monitored support groups for both kids and adults.

Compassionate Friends - National, self-help organization for those grieving the loss of a child. Includes a Chapter Locator and supportive online brochures on various aspects of grief.

Stages of grief

The Kübler-Ross grief cycle – Details each stage as it applies to persons facing death or other negative life change. Note that the cycle as presented includes seven stages, including initial shock. (ChangingMinds.org)

What is Grief? – Lays out general stages of grief with tips for helping someone who is grieving. (University of Illinois Counseling Center)

Complicated grief and depression

Major Depression and Complicated Grief – Lists the warning signs and symptoms that suggest grief has progressed to major depression or complicated grief. (American Cancer Society)

Complicated Grief – Guide to the symptoms, causes, risk factors, and treatment of complicated grief. (Mayo Clinic)

Complicated Grief – Learn the difference between the normal grief reaction and complicated grief. Includes information about symptoms, risk factors, and treatment. (Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide)

Grief after suicide 

Grief after Suicide - Survivors of suicide and their friends can help each other and themselves by gaining an understanding of grief after suicide. (Canadian Mental Health Association)

Grief after Suicide Understanding your emotions, as well as suicide in general, may ease your grieving after suicide. (Buddha Dharma Education Association) 

Melinda Smith, M.A., Ellen Jaffe–Gill, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., contributed to this article. Last modified: January 2009.

Talking with your doctor about your end-of-life wishes

The miserable have no other medicine; But only hope. --William Shakespeare

How to Talk with Your Healthcare Providers

• Ask your doctor to explain treatments and procedures that may seem confusing before you complete your directives.
• Talk about pain management options.
• Let your doctor know that you are completing your advance directives.
• Make sure your doctor is willing to follow your directives. The law does not force physicians to follow directives if they disagree with your wishes for moral or ethical reasons.
• What will you do if I have a lot of pain or other uncomfortable symptoms?
• How will you help us find excellent professionals with special training when we need them
• Will you let me know if treatment stops working so that my family and I can make appropriate decisions?
• Will you still be available to me even when I am close to the end of my life?

Advocating for your loved one. 

• Be assertive in expressing your wishes. 
• Clearly state the reasons behind your requests without being hostile.
• Ask questions. To be effective and to make informed decisions, learn as much as possible about your loved one's condition and prognosis.
• Ask about the goals of the treatment plan - often. A physician's definition of recovery can be different from what is acceptable to you or your loved one. Seek the assistance of a social worker or patient representative if necessary. Such professionals can help improve communication between you and the physician.
• Don't be afraid to speak to the facility's administration. If the physician is unresponsive, go directly to his or her superiors, including the chief of medicine, risk manager, hospital lawyer or administrator. 

Cancer Patients, Lost in a Maze of Uneven Care

Todd Heisler/The New York Times

Karen Pasqualetto was only 35 and a new mother when a doctor diagnosed advanced colon cancer and gave her six months to live.

By DENISE GRADY

Published: July 29, 2007

Correction Appended

The first doctor gave her six months to live. The second and third said chemotherapy would buy more time, but surgery would not. A fourth offered to operate.

FULL ARTICLE FOUND HERE

Cancer Bereavement/Grief Support Resources

Local Bereavement/Grief Resource
Alive Hospice 
www.alivehospice.org

National Bereavement/Grief Resources
The American Cancer Society has many resources about coping with loss, the phases of grief, losing a child, coping with depression, etc. For more information:
Telephone: 1–800–ACS–2345
Internet Address: www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/MBC_4x_CopingGrief.asp

National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
Telephone: 1–800–658–8898 (End-of-Life Consumer Helpline)
Internet Address: www.nhpco.org

National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) 
Telephone: 1–800–228–6332 
Internet Address: www.nfda.org

Hospice Net 
Internet Address: www.hospicenet.org

Griefnet 
Internet Address: www.griefnet.org

Parents Without Partners International, Inc. 
Telephone: 1–312–644–6610 
Internet Address: www.parentswithoutpartners.org

Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation 
Telephone: 1–800–366–2223 
Internet Address: www.candlelighters.org

The Compassionate Friends 
Telephone: 1–877–969–0010 
Internet Address: www.compassionatefriends.org

CANCERCARE'S TELEPHONE EDUCATION WORKSHOP CALENDAR

Register for a Telephone Education Workshop.

MARCH

• March 12, 2009: Balancing Cancer and Careers: Living and Working with Cancer
• March 24, 2009: Caring for Your Bones When You Have Prostate Cancer

APRIL

• April 1, 2009: Medical Emergencies in Cancer Treatment
• April 2, 2009: Medical Update on Colon Cancer: What's New?
• April 14, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part I: Managing the Stress of Survivorship
• April 16, 2009: Medical Update on Head and Neck Cancer
• April 17, 2009: Hodgkin Lymphoma: Understanding Biology, Treatment and Survivorship
• April 23, 2009: Treatment Update on Glioblastoma
• April 24, 2009: Dental Health During Cancer Treatments
• April 29, 2009: Breast Cancer and African American Women
• April 30, 2009: Updates and Treatment Decisions About Lung Cancer

MAY

• May 14, 2009: For Parents, Caregivers and Professionals: Helping Brothers and Sisters of Children Living with Cancer
• May 15, 2009: Managing Treatment-Related Rash and Dry Skin
• May 19, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part II: The Importance of Nutrition and Physical Activity

JUNE

• June 10, 2009: Emerging Treatments for Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma
• June 17, 2009: Medical Update on Lung Cancer from the 2009 American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO) Annual Meeting
• June 18, 2009: Medical Update on Breast Cancer from the 2009 American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO) Annual Meeting
• June 23, 2009: The Seventh Annual Cancer Survivorship Series: Living With, Through and Beyond Cancer, Part III: Survivors Too: Family, Friends and Loved Ones - Managing the Fatigue of Caregiving
• June 25, 2009: Living with Metastatic Colorectal Cancer

Clinical Trials: Questions and Answers

Clinical Trials: Questions and Answers

Key Points Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people (see Question 1). Every clinical trial has a protocol, which describes what will be done in the study, how it will be conducted, and why each part of the study is necessary (see Question 4). Informed consent is a process by which people learn the important facts about a clinical trial to help them decide whether to participate (see Question 6). Payment of patient care costs in clinical trials varies by health insurance plan and by study (seeQuestion 11).

1. What are clinical trials, and why are they important?

Clinical trials are research studies that test how well new medical approaches work in people. Each study answers scientific questions and tries to find better ways to prevent, screen for, diagnose, or treat a disease. People who take part in cancer clinical trials have an opportunity to contribute to knowledge of, and progress against, cancer. They also receive up-to-date care from experts.

• READ MORE OF THIS ARTICLE BY CLICKING HERE

Elzo "Al" Gerlofs, May You Eternally Rest in Peace

...photo above is of Mark Gerlofs...

My brother-in-law's Dad died today...he had cancer...he passed away in his sleep at the hospital. 

All of Al Gerlofs loved ones are assured of his presence in glory, he gets to be by my Dad now too...I wish there would have been a way for him to take a note to him for me.  I don't understand why God didn't give Al that miracle "leftover" from my Dad, the one we never got to see nor use.

Losing both Fathers, both Papas in less than two months...that's unbearable.  Where is their haven?  Where is their shelter from the storm?  Why isn't God saving us?  Why did he take Papa Al now too?

Please remember the Gerlofs family in your most fervent thoughts and prayers...

"Fireworks" Video of Papa and Mimi

Lean to the Right...  ;)

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

Short Video Clip of Papa on the Phone

Just Lean to the Left ~

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

Ahhh...I love it, I have about 20 different videos of him all ending with him waving his hand at me to quit filming so much...LOL

a crimson hue of grief

My pain bleeds vividly.

a crimson hue of grief

It startles those who see it.

the intensity of its color

I miss him in red.

with passion and boldness

The earth is eternally wounded.

he left a crater behind

All this leftover love.

the beauty of the mourning

Talking to your younger and/or school age child about your cancer...

Great podcast found HERE, some highlights from below...

• Talk to them about your cancer, share information with them. By not doing so you may be (unintentionally) pushing them towards spying tactics in order to gain information.  Clear accurate age appropriate information.
• Assure them that nothing they did, said or thought caused the cancer.
• Find a way for them to "help" you...allowing them to do so will benefit and empower the child.
• Comfort, comfort, comfort them.  Reassure them that feelings are okay.

Can I get it from you?
Cancer is not "catchy" ~ it's not a germ.

Who will take care of me?
Assure them that they will be cared for...keep routines as normal as possible.   You're so important, we've already thought of this and have set it up for you.  Make plans and say YES to help.  Consistency is Key

Is the "non-cancer" parent okay?
Assure them, tell them the doctor says they're healthy, etc.

Will you die?
If you know your disease is advanced do not make false promises. Tell them that the doctor is giving you very strong medicine and you're doing everything that you can to fight this and take care of yourself.

Fantastic Resource Link...

http://www.cancercare.org/

Support services to help patients cope with the emotional and social impacts of a cancer diagnosis must be included in the standard care patients receive, urges a report from the National Academies' Institute of Medicine (IOM).

Using This Book

This book is meant to be a tool to assist you in talking to young children.  It is not meant to make things more difficult or complicated for you as you are dealing with cancer.  By providing you with a choice of pages and topics, we hope that you can use exactly what feels right to you in helping your children understand and cope with cancer in the family.  Please do not stress about which pages to choose, or how many pages to utilize.  After using the book once or twice, your children’s responses will guide you to the next choice of pages and topics.

Missing Papa "Movie" Finale'

Find more videos like this on Maggie's Rose

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Why?

Why didn't you fight for him?

Why didn't you tell us how to face the horrific battle?

Why did you ignore his soul's pleas to live?

Why?

Why did you put my dying Father "on hold" with no hope?

Why didn't you try harder?

Why didn't you share information with us on Palliative Care?

Why?

Why didn't you offer him even one minute option?

Why were you so threatened by a second opinion?

Why were desperate calls for any hope at all so "inconvenient" for you?

Why?

Why didn't you care more?

Why did you, seemingly, not care at all?

Why didn't you value the life of my Father?

Why?