Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

How could my Mom's Birthday be Happy, when my Dad is no longer here?

Once upon a time, because He so deeply loves us and really wanted us to see, God put a face on True Love.  He allowed us to witness an "in real life" story of what "to truly cherish someone" means.  

Lucky us, most of all, who saw this up close...and when we did, we were struck with the knowledge of...this must be what life and love really means.

When I think of PapAmore' - when I think of my sweet Mom, the very first thing that comes to mind...is sacred love.  

Love that you're in awe of, love that makes you personally feel better to be around, love that must be the kind we'll someday know in heaven, a love that, just from witnessing, you'll forever carry within yourself as well.

This was not a selfish love, this love didn't swallow up each other and escape from the world...rather it gave the one it most adored on earth the passion, support and desire to do even that much more, for every life it knew.

My parents never stopped holding hands under the table...they never lost that "drown in you" gaze.  When my Dad told me that once he met my beautiful Mother, that he never once laid eyes on another woman again...I never once questioned the validity behind his words.

It was a "look what I have" love, an "I am so blessed" love, a love that continually thanked their God above, first and foremost, for their greatest gift on earth, each other, together, in love.

A never could wain love, a "we will survive" love, a never should die love...a love without end...

A love that made sense of my own life's disdain...gave the pain in my marriage, my consistently beaten up heart, the hope to believe in something more.  

Most importantly, their love assured me of God's love.  It painted a picture of how HE intended love to be.  That true love is more than just a "Bible Story" but rather truly lives and breathes even amidst our sinful world, as was consistently evident in the very ones I most adored.

How do you live without your soul mate?  

However could God take my Dad from my Mom?  

Why wouldn't He want them to continue loving one another forever?  

Didn't He see the great hope their love brought to everyone else around?

Why is the essential other half of the epitome of love on earth...no longer here?

My Mom's birthday is in 3 days...and the one thing, the only thing, she wants...is no longer here...

Happy (un)happy Birthday, Mom...xoxoxoxoxoxo

Grief Cannot Be "Scheduled"

Pain unexpected

lack of all warning

tackles me

onto the ground

Grief has no timezone

comes as it pleases

sneaking up

quietly, no sound

There is no "safe place"

no detour from hell

intense fire

forever burns

Hearts that are bleeding

souls that are shattered

hard to breathe

takes no returns

It creeps up

it sneaks up

it swallows one whole

This monster

this evil

of dirt and of pain

The thunderous roar of grief

by Wanda Lenderink, my heartbroken Mom and Wife of my Dad

AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK.......

Posted 9 minutes ago

WE REALIZE THAT WE HAVE SAID GOOD BYE TO THE MAN WE LOVED ....WE HAVE CELEBRATED HIS LIFE ....HERE AND IN DENVER...WE HAVE FELT YOUR LOVE...YOUR TOUCH...YOUR CONTINUED PRAYERS....WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER AS HIS FAMILY....SHARING..LOVING ...CRYING...SINGING TO HIM AS WE FELT THE RAWNESS OF DEATH WHEN WE LEFT HIM IN HIS FINAL RESTING PLACE...

WE HAVE TOLD THE STORY OVER AND OVER AGAIN ....WE HAVE CRIED SO MANY TEARS...WE HAVE SAID OVER AND OVER ...HAS THIS REALLY HAPPENED ????

AS WE LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE FOR SOMETHING THAT WILL TELL US IT A JUST A BAD DREAM.....WE REALIZE AS THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK ..THAT THE REAL MIRACLE IS THAT WE STILL BELIEVE..AND TRUST OUR LORD...

...AS OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN.....AND AS THE CLOCKS REMIND US OF TIME ...WE REALIZE WE HAVE DONE ALL OF THIS...

THE MILK IN REFRIGERATOR THAT WAS PURCHASED BEFORE ODEE DIED IS STILL FRESH...

AND WE SAY ...DEAR LORD HOW CAN THIS BE?????? 

AND THE CLOCKS CONTINUE TO TICK..

SO MANY PRAYED SO HARD...WE KNOW GOD HEARD OUR PRAYERS....AND YET HE DIED....

WE CLUTCH OUR GRIEF TIGHTLY.....EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING WE BELIEVE TELLS US THAT GOD WANTS TO CARRY OUR PAIN....WE STILL HOLD TIGHT .....BECAUSE HE IS GONE....AND THE ONLY COMFORT WE WANT IS IN HEAVEN....

DEAR LORD...HELP US RECONCILE...ALL OF THIS ..BECAUSE WE LOVED HIM SO

For His eye is on the sparrow

Especially since my Dad went to heaven, I just can't seem to get this song out of my head, which makes sense considering that my Mom plays it so often...along with the beautiful fact that daughter #4, Valerie Herder, sang this song for Dad at his Memorial service in Denver.

This song seems to intimately know him, we have so much leftover love yet to give him, we longingly miss him...every hour of every day...

HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW 

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

- Words by Civilla D. Martin, 1905

- Music Charles H. Gabriel, 1905

Civilla Martin wrote:
"Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience."
The next day she mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music.
Singer Ethel Waters so loved this song that she used its name as the title for her autobiography.