I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

God STILL works Miracles - AML Remission through Only Herbal Therapy

Definitely do take the time to check out the blog Jaymun's Mom made for him...he is a living testimony of God's ability to truly work miracles.  His site also contains extensive information on herbal therapy.

My 2.5 year old son's AML relapsed (CNS and marrow) eight months ago.  He was born with AML (congenital) and had a BMT back in 2006.  After several months and two rounds of chemo he was still not in remission.  This was six months ago that we went home - his marrow was aplastic - he was neutropenic - and he was recovering from a cranial tap to drain subdural hygromas. 

Although we went home to only have a few weeks of "quality of life", now it is six months later and his marrow has finally recovered - and there is no cancer in his CNS fluid either!

We did quite extensive herbal therapy in the past six months - now that he is in remission - we are leaning against CNS radiation (the normal path).  

Medical details are on our blog: www.jaymun.com/journal/2009_02_02

Any thoughts on this situation?

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink