Sunday, December 11, 2011

My Buried Grief - My Unresolved Pain

As much as I've open up my entire heart and nearly shared each of my grief walk's feelings with all of you here, reading PapAmore ... to that same extent ... I have purposely left out much of my life's story.

Grief multiplies grief ... and with each new grief it seems you must also relive each past grief as well.
Or such has been, for the most part, my own personal experience.

There's something I feel like I should share here ... because I can no longer ignore what I feel is PapAmore's encouragement to do so.

But it is so hard to do so ... to have someone else read, and thus decide to trust them with,  even the mere general words I've above written here ... terrify every part of me.

But as PapAmore bestowed upon myself so much of the strength and encouragement to push through then, I know he'll also help me continue to push through now too.

But ...... I'm not sure how to share this, I don't even know how nor where to start ... for so long bottling this thing of which I speak up seemed to be the only to live through and with it.

There was a day ... when my heart stopped singing
There was a time ... when my inner light extinguished
This was the day the hope within my soul truly burned out.

One of my fears is that however I write this, it will be wrong ... and however I say this, it will come across wrong.  If I talk too much about me while sharing my experience ... surely I'll come across as self-centered.  If I say too much about the devastation this life event has caused ... surely I'll come across as damaged for life, a redeeming worthless cause.  If I don't say enough ... surely I'll be sugar counting things and if I say too much ... surely I'll seem still obsessed with it all.

Which leaves me with ... either taking another 18 years trying to figure out the best way to share my story ... or ... to just let my inner life-script just spill out ...

It's coming up on eighteen years since I've last spoken with my best friend, Ben.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink