Thursday, June 14, 2012

I Will Not Say Goodbye

You never really left - right, Papa?  <3

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

You were my Step Parent and now I'm one myself - Wow + Relate + Love You EVEN More ;)

As you know, I wasn't too hot on you coming into my Mom and I's little cocoon life after we lost my Dad Jack Huizenga at age of mine -thirteen.

It had been barely a year since my Dad Jack had died when you and my Mom met - and at that time, to me, you represented both letting go of and betraying my Dad who had recently died.

Isn't it ironic ... at first I wanted nothing at all to do with you in our lives and am now truly broken hearted without you here.

Thanks for sharing with me (reassuring me) during that last talk on my birthday about how you never were even fully aware of the extent of my detest of you then.  You said that no matter what, I was still always respectful to you - and for that fact, you had sent many prayers of thanks to my Dad before you that I'd lost.

Yet still ... at times, not often - I wonder ... would it be easier now to have lost you to that damn vicious AML cancer if I'd never loved you to begin with to the extent I did?  You became to me nothing less and everything more than a real Dad - I just loved have you as my "Daddy", Papa ...

But maybe if I'd have kept resenting you it'd be a bit easier to just breathe now that you're gone.

Papa, being a step-parent is such hard work - I'm trying so hard, Papa ... but still, even with my own real life "experience" as a step-child - they're so far from loving me like I loved and will always love you.

I could really use you here, on earth, with us right now, Papa ... I miss you so much - still - everyday.  I'm so proud to have you as my Dad - it hurts so much to not be able to "show you off" to these new loves in my life now.

I still don't get it, Papa - I'm sorry and I do try - but I just can't even an iota of an amount understand why God took you too early from us as He did.

Finally I had grown to love and adore you as my forever own "Daddy" .... to only have you die and "leave me" too ...

I REALLY REALLY miss having a Dad, Papa ... I to the depth of my soul especially miss you.

Please send me a sign again soon - please hug me as only you could and comfort my own step-parenting pain.

I hate this, Papa .... I hate that you're gone ....

But as I continue to keep looking around for you ... I'm more and more forced to faced the reality that you're gone.

And STILL - I'm NOT okay with that, Papa ...

I love you, Dad.

(Pic. of your namesake with the forever love of your eternal life below ;)

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink