Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Grief ends when we let go of the tail

When Does Grief End?

Grief hits us like a ton of bricks,
flattens us like a steamroller,
hurls us into the depths of despair. 
We know in a flash when grief hits,
but when does it end? 
Like the month of March,
grief rushes in like a lion
and tiptoes out like a lamb. 
Sometimes, we don't know when grief leaves,
because we won't let go of the lion's tail.
Why do we hold on so long? 
Grief offers us safety,
protection from the world. 
We don't want to let go
because we secretly fear
that we'll forget our loved ones,
and we don't want to forget – ever. 
We don't want to let go
because we fear the future
and having to face life without our loved ones.
We don't want to let go
because we make the mistake
of measuring our grief with the depth of our love –
when neither has anything to do with the other.
How do we know when grief has run its course? 
How do we know when we've grieved enough? 
Cried enough? 
"Died" enough? 
How do we know when it's time to let go of the tail? 
We know when we feel joy again, in something or someone. 
Joy in living.  Joy in life. 
We know when we wake up in the morning
and our first thought is on something other than our loss. 
We know when we look ahead with a smile
and back with fond memories,
and when we no longer dread the nights. 
We know when our life starts filling up with new interests and people,
and we start reaching for the stars
Grief ends when we let go of the tail.

Margareet Brownley,
"When Does Grief End?"
Bereavement Magazine , January/February 2002
Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673)

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"Finally Over" Tomorrow

Seriously, I cannot believe this ugly is still going on...

And I can't help but think that perhaps if you were still here it would have ended already some time ago.

I want to wish with all my heart for you to be here, especially now.

But, I won't.

Because I've since learned that, you already are...here.

Thanks for continuing to walk this "road out of hell" with the girls and I...we love you always, Papa...xoxoxo

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dreadful without You, Birthday of Mine

I suppose upon your birthday it's fairly common to reflect upon your life...however when the past year's events included such hellish experiences...it's not entirely pleasant to do so...

So here I am, it's my birthday in three hours time and all I want is for it to just go the heck away.

Not sure why it's bothering me so much to begin with... considering that at this point in my life, birthdays are more for my little girls amusement than much to do with my own festive of myself pride...but still, this one, I feel, is going to unusually suck for a very good reason why.

I miss you, Papa.  It seems so incredibly twisted to go on without you, like such a damn shame to waste away a 24 hour period on a birthday without you here to celebrate it with....

It was exactly one year ago...on my birthday, that we found out that your cancer had come back.  The horrific monster of AML Leukemia once again interrupting our all too short respite of remission.

But still, before you went back in to the hospital, you insisted, despite my "no way" resistance, on having a birthday lunch with me.

It was so unusually warm last November 4th, I vividly remember the sun's heat on the picnic table we sat on, eating our Subway lunch alongside Grand Haven's channel...talking about everything while saying the most in our silence.  For while I dared not admit it aloud, my fearful heart cried out inside that...this might be it.  That I had better make the memory of this birthday lunch BIG, remember each moment, cherish the beauty and wisdom of my Dad's words and tuck them away in my heart forever...

Adamantly I told you, I am going to make you so proud, Papa.  Despite your chuckling response that I already did.

But, I will and so...this birthday, I am vividly reminded that...I've still got a lot of work here on earth to do.

I miss you so much, especially now, on my birthday, but for the precious little ones, I'm going to suck it up, smile and have a great "remember my birth" day.

Until we meet again...I love you, Papa...xoxoxoxo

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink