I suppose upon your birthday it's fairly common to reflect upon your life...however when the past year's events included such hellish experiences...it's not entirely pleasant to do so...So here I am, it's my birthday in three hours time and all I want is for it to just go the heck away.
Not sure why it's bothering me so much to begin with... considering that at this point in my life, birthdays are more for my little girls amusement than much to do with my own festive of myself pride...but still, this one, I feel, is going to unusually suck for a very good reason why.
I miss you, Papa. It seems so incredibly twisted to go on without you, like such a damn shame to waste away a 24 hour period on a birthday without you here to celebrate it with....
It was exactly one year ago...on my birthday, that we found out that your cancer had come back. The horrific monster of AML Leukemia once again interrupting our all too short respite of remission.
But still, before you went back in to the hospital, you insisted, despite my "no way" resistance, on having a birthday lunch with me.
It was so unusually warm last November 4th, I vividly remember the sun's heat on the picnic table we sat on, eating our Subway lunch alongside Grand Haven's channel...talking about everything while saying the most in our silence. For while I dared not admit it aloud, my fearful heart cried out inside that...this might be it. That I had better make the memory of this birthday lunch BIG, remember each moment, cherish the beauty and wisdom of my Dad's words and tuck them away in my heart forever...
Adamantly I told you, I am going to make you so proud, Papa. Despite your chuckling response that I already did.
But, I will and so...this birthday, I am vividly reminded that...I've still got a lot of work here on earth to do.
I miss you so much, especially now, on my birthday, but for the precious little ones, I'm going to suck it up, smile and have a great "remember my birth" day.
Until we meet again...I love you, Papa...xoxoxoxo
For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
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