Ways to Remember Another Rituals

Rituals  -  Rituals provide us with acts to engage in for the purpose of meaning-making (Neimeyer). Dr. Kenneth Doka discusses ritual as giving extraordinary meaning to the commonplace. Ritual provides symbolic connection to the lost persons. For example, on Thanksgiving a woman makes her deceased mother’s recipe for cranberry relish. Only a few people in the family enjoy this dish but she continues to prepare it because during the preparation she feels connected to her mother and feels her mother is within her and thus, present at the holiday. 

Dr. Kenneth Doka has identified four functions of ritual that may help in a variety of situations:

• Rituals of Continuity – This type of ritual implies that the person is still part of my life and there exists a continuing bond. The Thanksgiving ritual described above is an example of this.
• Rituals of Transition – This marks that a change has taken place in the grief response. For example, parents who have lost a child marked a transition in their mourning by cleaning out their deceased child’s room after a period of time acceptable to them.
• Rituals of Affirmation – This is a ritual act whereby one writes a letter or poem to the deceased thanking the person for the caring, love, help and support. This is especially useful for those who never said “thank you.”
• Rituals of Intensification – This type of ritual intensifies connection among group members and reinforces their common identity. For example, the AIDS Quilt, the Vietnam War Memorial, the Oklahoma City Memorial Park.

Rituals must fit the story. They must be planned ahead and thoroughly processed after completion. Certain dates are particularly troubling and anxiety producing for the bereaved. These include birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, religious celebrations, Valentines Day, anniversary of the death and other specific family markers. 

The goal is to plan ahead a remembrance ritual in order to acknowledge the day both cognitively and symbolically. Utilizing any of the above mentioned rituals will help acknowledge in some personal way the relationship and life that was shared. The day is best confronted and dealt with through ritual rather than avoided. Following is a list of rituals. 

Rituals To Commemorate
Rituals are effective and meaningful when they have significance to the deceased and to the survivor. The following are merely suggestions and might be altered and enhanced to appropriately accommodate the relationship involved.

• Prepare a favorite meal of the loved one and enjoy it as he/she did.
• Prepare a favorite dessert – share with family or friends.
• Watch a movie(s) enjoyed by your loved one.
• Plant flowers, a tree or a flowering bush in memory of your loved one.
• Enjoy a toast to your loved one on a birthday, anniversary or holiday.
• Light a candle and recall the comfort or guiding light he/she was for you.
• Read book(s) or article(s) on a favorite topic(s) he/she enjoyed.
• Play music appreciated by your loved one and see if you can enjoy it now.
• Attend a concert/performance that would be pleasurable to you both.
• Look through photo albums and focus on shared times and memories.
• Wear a piece of jewelry that was a favorite of the person.
• Wear cologne or perfume he/she liked on you.
• Wear an item of clothing given to you by him/her.
• Buy something for yourself he/she would like you to have.
• Enjoy lunch or dinner at a favorite cafe/restaurant.
• Visit the burial place – bring a balloon or symbolic item to leave.
• Journal some favorite stories.
• Travel to a place he/she enjoyed or always desired to visit.
• Review how your life is better because he/she was a part of it.
• Focus on the gift he/she was to you.
• Purchase flowers on the anniversary. Bring for display at church or home gathering. When people leave, have them take a flower.
• Send flowers to a close family member on the anniversary.
• Read a favorite poem(s) or book enjoyed by your loved one.
• Watch home videos and remember.
• Volunteer for an organization in memory of your loved one.
• Become an activist in the cause of death issue – by participating in a walk-a-thon, phone-a-thon, etc.
• If you kept greeting cards given to you by your loved one, take time to read them again.
• Enjoy a leisurely walk taking time to recall shared events in life together.