PapAmore' - Loved Me

I had given my Dad 2 of JJ Heller's CD's (Love Me included on one of them) while he was in the hospital, the first time, under induction...and I myself listened to them (I had also purchased copies for myself ;) as well over and over again, I so related to the words of her songs, yet was then yet unable to share with others that I did.

So...this is my Father...he calls, not crying, but classic PapAmore' choked up, and says..."Can you believe it?  How could another ones songs and words that you never met nor know, be so about you?"

We miss him...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

God STILL works Miracles - AML Remission through Only Herbal Therapy

Definitely do take the time to check out the blog Jaymun's Mom made for him...he is a living testimony of God's ability to truly work miracles.  His site also contains extensive information on herbal therapy.

My 2.5 year old son's AML relapsed (CNS and marrow) eight months ago.  He was born with AML (congenital) and had a BMT back in 2006.  After several months and two rounds of chemo he was still not in remission.  This was six months ago that we went home - his marrow was aplastic - he was neutropenic - and he was recovering from a cranial tap to drain subdural hygromas. 

Although we went home to only have a few weeks of "quality of life", now it is six months later and his marrow has finally recovered - and there is no cancer in his CNS fluid either!

We did quite extensive herbal therapy in the past six months - now that he is in remission - we are leaning against CNS radiation (the normal path).  

Medical details are on our blog: www.jaymun.com/journal/2009_02_02

Any thoughts on this situation?

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I Love You, Now Put THAT In Your Pipe and Smoke It!

I Love You, Now Put THAT In Your Pipe and Smoke It!

These are the words that PapAmore's 4th daughter shared with all of those gathered to celebrate him today...the last words ever spoken to her from her Dad.  

Granted, these words could have been a touch of morphine induced, however at the same time this phrase was most definitely 110% PapAmore.  

It's no wonder this GIANT of a Man was SO VERY LOVED by All...

Heartache for Others...Please PRAY for Dan

I (literally) randomly read this online and as a result am on my knees for these people I've never met and whom my only contact with is from a few posts on their blog.

Dan has AML and remission is currently not his, perhaps someone reading this knows of some way to help Dan, it could be...for God works in mysterious ways, let us never forget that, always hope, never stop believing and continue to ACTIVELY pray...

Posted by: unusualadventure | January 15, 2009

Last week, Dan, Erin & Tanya went to an appointment with the Fred Hutchinson Centre in Seattle where it was recommended strongly by Dr Klimo and VGH that we go for a ‘consultation’. I suppose we went down there expecting to hear of several options and ”trials” that Dan could look at. So, it was a bit of a shock to hear that they felt Dan’s 3 chemo’s not resulting in remission meant that Dan could no longer expect ordinary/standard AML treatments to work and they had nothing for him.

Initially, they told us that Dan was now in the category of looking for a new ‘break-through’ drug - something that hasn’t been tried before…and recommended that Dan go to MD Anderson in Houston, Texas - a facility that leads the US in innovative new trials for Cancer and Leukemia. They advised Dan that he should listen to all the options there, decide who he wanted to work with - and to go for it. Basically - to take a dart and see which Trial it landed on…a little unsettling. However, the more we talked, specifically about Dan’s chromosome abnormalities and the appearing and disappearing of his “Deletion Q5″, the more they became convinced that, at least initially, they would advise VGH that Dan go on a combination course of Mylotarg, Revlimid, and one other drug…basically a more experimental program than VGH was recommending…to hopefully buy some time

It is hard not to feel a sense of urgency, despite how well Dan mostly feels and looks, as his blood counts are not as strong as they used to be….and it’s hard not to be concerned about how quickly the Leukemia is growing. However, that is precisely what Dan is trying to do – not go by tests, but go by how he feels.

When You Came Over to Tell Me That The Cancer Was Back

I remember every word, you're right, Papa...you truly are right here, in our hearts...

(Papa is in blue)

Now, get over here, let me give you a hug

I don't want you to tell me, Papa

I know, honey, I don't want to have to tell you either, I really thought that it was gone, I did.  Look at me, no look at me, it's going to be alright, I promise.

I know

It okay to cry, your Mom and I cried too.  But, we have to trust, God.

I will, Papa

I'm not going anywhere and I will have hope up until my very last breath, but I need to know that you and my girls will be alright

I know, we will, I promise, I will make you proud, Papa

Oh, sweetie, I know you will, you already do, every moment of every day, you already do

And, I am still here, and I am going to keep on bugging you, all the time, even IF I am not here on earth, I'm going to keep bugging you, don't you forget that

I expected that you would...and thanks, Papa...I would like that

I don't want to go yet, there is so much here yet that I want to still do.  I want to have a Bible Study yet with Rod and Lou, I want to be there for you and your girls, I want to spend more time with my best friend, I'm not ready yet to leave your Mother.  How I pray that someday you meet someone who will cherish you the way I cherish your Mom, who will treat you and my girls the way you deserve to be treated.

We already have that, Papa, we have you

You silly nut, you know what I mean

I know

If I do go, to heaven, you know what I'm going to do?

Sing really loud?

Well, yea...of course, but I'm also going to right away walk right up to Jack, your Dad and I'm going to say...thank you for sharing your little girls with me...

I love you, Daddy

I love you too, honey, I always will

(then you started in on your "short list" ~ you always took such good care of us all, PapAmore, xox times a google and more)

We Miss Him

PapAmore's Guest Book

Arend Lenderink
(June 24, 1937 - January 11, 2009) 

Happy to Share PapAmore

Heartbreaking Update from Sara Huizenga Lubbers

My thoughts go out to Sara and her family. A few days ago, through her blog Papamore and reprinted here, we got the chance to meet her father and his brave fight with AML. Today, Sara sent the heartbreaking news.

My Daddy died today

So now, I know, that I need to support my Mom and love my family, that is what he would want, to not look back with regret and bitterness

I feel like every inch of my insides have been viciously clawed away, I'm sure we all do, it's all surreal

I'm so glad my Daddy is in heaven and always in my heart

http://zerogossip.com/2009/01/11/heartbreaking-update-from-sara-huizenga-lubbers.aspx?ref=rss

Thanks, Peace4...Papa Loves It, No Doubt

Find more videos like this on Peace4 the Missing

THE WORD FOR TODAY.....FOREVER HEAVEN

THE WORD FOR TODAY.....FOREVER HEAVEN

Posted 5 minutes ago

AT 4:10 TODAY 1-11-09.....THE CLOUDY SKYS PARTED FOR JUST SECONDS....AND ALL OF HEAVENS REJOICED AS OUR DEAR ODEE ENTERED HIS HEAVENLY HOME ......LEAVING BEHIND A FAMILY SEARCHING FOR THE PEACE THAT PASSES UNDERSTANDING.

CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR US....

Thank You, Seppy...for this Gift

Friday, January 9, 2009

Hope, love, life

It seems like it is never often enough that we get the chance to spread the messages of hope, faith, life, or love. We're so busy living our own lives, taking for granted our own miracles and blessings that we forget that everyday there is a family struggling to face that which but for the grace of God we go.

Earlier this year I was facing serious medical concerns. All initial tests and symptoms pointed to AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia) and when I started the research my heart and stomach hit the floor before my knees could to pray. However, after a month of in and out testing and several doctors later- it was discovered that I have SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, just "Lupus" for short). I will admit that it hasn't been easy, and there are times I find myself struggling more with the anger and hurt of being sick more than the actual symptoms themselves. However- I have never been more humble than I am today.


At the same time that I was facing my diagnosis a friend of mine's father was getting sick. He was eventually tested, and diagnosed with AML, and has struggled through treatment and to keep one step ahead of this disease for the better part of the last year. Recently his Dr. told him that he had lost the battle and that there was nothing else they could do for him.

His doctor obviously didn't know my friend Sara (the patients daughter) or the strength, love, energy, and power that this woman carries with her in her heart. 

Maybe there is nothing else THAT Dr. could do for PapaAmore, but there is so much WE can do for him. Pray. Research. Make calls. Ask questions. Help find resources, studies, treatments. Everyone knows someone who holds the solution to another person's problems, it's all about network. And it's all about getting the word out. To each other, to God.

Do not give up. Believe. Fight. Love.

http://papamore.blogspot.com/

I invite you, no, I beg you to visit Sara's blog, the journey of her father's fight for his life, her fight for his life. So many miracles are already happening, so quickly.. already he has a new Dr., a new medicine, an invitation to the University of Chicago Lukemia center, someone who has offered to fly him.

The wheels are turning, God is listening. Be a part of something great. Even if all you can do is read, and pass the link on to someone else. If you can't help- you know someone who can, you just may not realize it.


There but for the grace of God go I..

PapAmore, Heaven Sent

THE WORD FOR TODAY...PRAYERS

Posted 1 hour ago

OUTSIDE IN GRAND HAVEN, MICHIGAN THE SNOW FALLS PEACEFULLY, BEAUTIFULLY...

INSIDE FAMILY IS GATHERED...AND WE TEARFULLY CELEBRATE A MAN'S JOURNEY OF A GOD FILLED LIFE. ODEE'S CONDITION CONTINUES TO DECLINE AS THE AML IS INVADING.

WE COVET YOUR PRAYERS FOR COMFORT, PEACE, AND RELIEF FROM PAIN...PRAYER FOR THIS MOMENT...FOR THIS DAY.

Most Recent PapAmore's CarePage Entry

The Word for Today...

Posted Jan 7, 2009 10:20am

The leukemia invades...signs are more evident... Odee is experiencing pain in legs and chest...Fatigue is more present every day. Medically...our time is shorter than what we anticipated...we still hope and pray for a miracle.

As Odee's condition continues to change...pray for all of us as we try to find the peace that passes all understanding...As we hope for more time...we continue to thank you for walking this long journey with us...we have felt your love and prayers as a soothing balm for our broken hearts.

Please continue to leave messages on the care page...as they bring such a message of peace and comfort.

PapAmore has an appointment scheduled on Wednesday with the University of Chicago, there is a plane ready to take him there, there are pills finally prescribed to stabilize his AML, my Dad sees God's very hand holding out this hope...I am confused, why hasn't this news of hope been posted about on his CarePage?

No Regrets, Only God's Plan

Whatever happens, I promise to not embrace bitterness, not dwell on what ifs, not impossibly attempt to turn back the hands of time.

I will not ever taint your name by reflecting upon it amidst futile "wish I could have" thoughts.

I know you understand that my voice now does you more harm than good.

I know that you too don't understand why they won't listen.

I know you understand that it's not because I gave up on you.

Thank you for always believing in me.

I am honored to call you my Dad.

God holds the Keys

I'm praying, fervently praying

I always have been and won't ever stop

Looking up

Just like your life

Shows us

Always