"The" Song You Sang From Heaven

Whenever we have sung this song in church, (which we have, but not too often) since you went to Heaven ... you were right there too ... singing it right alongside of us, weren't you, Papa?

You were here again ... not in a dream ... not in a memory ... but here.

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And although those have been the only times I've actually been able to truly feel and sense your physical presence since you've been gone ... I will not complain, but rather take anything that we might get.  :)

During these 'straight from heaven itself' times, I have distinctly heard your strong tenor voice, I have sensed YOU standing right next to me with all of my acute senses ... I have even caught the very own wonderful scent that is so familiarly uniquely yours ...

I guess if I were to dissect this gift I might wonder why of all the MANY songs I've heard you sing (you did sing nearly all of the time after all, ;-) ... that it's this one song that I have no memory of you ever singing in which you most distinctly have let your presence be knownn to me ... ?

However, with all my heart, I'm just glad to have been able to sing with you again at all ... and without a doubt I know for certain that your angelic self really WAS there during those deeply cherished moments ...

I LOVED it ... I  LOVE you ...

Thank You, Papamore ... I miss you so relentlessly much ... and although there are times when my very soul aches so deeply that I wonder if there will ever be relief from the grief we now fully own without you ... I above all (because you taught me) never question nor stop believing in the fact that I'm going to be there with you soon enough ... Alive Forever ... Together ...

But at least for now it seems, I have Extremely Important things yet to do, right where I'm at.


xoxoxoxo x a google to infinity

"The Song"




For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink
http://papamore.blogspot.com

Sidenote ... if someone reading this just so happens to have some pull regarding the music selection at Covenant Life Church in Grand Haven, MI ... could we please sing this at least once - the more the better, each and every Sunday?

PapAmore' - Loved Me

I had given my Dad 2 of JJ Heller's CD's (Love Me included on one of them) while he was in the hospital, the first time, under induction...and I myself listened to them (I had also purchased copies for myself ;) as well over and over again, I so related to the words of her songs, yet was then yet unable to share with others that I did.

So...this is my Father...he calls, not crying, but classic PapAmore' choked up, and says..."Can you believe it?  How could another ones songs and words that you never met nor know, be so about you?"

We miss him...

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

I am at Times, quite Pissed about Him Dying

If ever there was a "time to swear" mine would be now...and I would curse such a vile blue streak of cuss words and profanity that even the roughest neck sailor, upon hearing, would blush to be in the presence of my toxic voice.

Because it's not "okay" and I don't see it "getting better".

I cannot allow even my own self to truly think my raw, yet honest thoughts...let alone share them with others, in a most likely pathetic attempt at "healing".

But, regardless...I will still do so now, pause to listen to my inmost cries and communicate them out loud, be it right or wrong...my need to vent is currently overwhelmed by my perhaps better sense of judgement.

So, forgive me, please...for not presently bowing in His presence, for questioning His word, for feeling let down and ripped apart by the very One, Almighty.

God screwed us over....again...this is far from the first time.  And, yes...I know that many have loads of shit to bear, but this is my blog, so, right now, right here...I'm talking about mine, my shit, my landfill full of crap.

When I was nearly 12 years of age, I had this (what I then thought was) "loopy" counselor that my Mom insisted I go to for a bit, after my Dad died.  My first Dad, yea...this is my second, Dad to die...anyway....

She kept insisting that I deal with my grief.  This woman would continually suggest that I go out into an open cornfield and literally scream up to the sky, "Goddamn you, God!"

I was so abhorred every time she mentioned this!  

I could not begin to imagine however this might bring my Dad back...and to hear this woman then, in my mind, suggesting that I go out and loudly beg to be struck down dead by lightening, certainly made no sense whatsoever.  

I was convinced that she was out to get me...for reasons of which I was just not yet sure.

That was oodles of time ago, so of course, today I am that much older and thus wiser...er, um...one would think.

The thing is, finally, now...that "loopy" counselor is making a bit of sense to me.  In fact, maybe she's on to something after all.  

And I'm ashamed to admit that now, I might give her old advice an "in real life" try.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Reflecting...Missing

Sara Huizenga Lubbers said...

Perhaps I should share a little bit more, about me...

I know death and I know how to get through it, I know what is ahead, how it feels, how it smells, what it looks like...I know it from my first Father that I lost in 7th grade, I know it from the deaths of my Grandparents, Uncles and Aunts, I know death suddenly and I know death "planned" out, I know it in young lives and I know it with those of many years, I know it from my best friend, who died when we were both 18, whose last place on earth was in the passenger seat of my car.

I know death, death does not scare scare me. Because I know what comes next...and how much that is something to look forward to, not dread.

And here and now, I know when to not give up and I won't, I will try, I will continue to spend time with my Dad, to capture these moments, to cherish each second we have, but I won't give up. All the while, I will look him in the eye and I will tell my Daddy, that I'm not giving up. As long as he has breath in him, I'm not giving up.

So, what I ask for is help in resources and advice...I don't need to know how to let go, I already know how.

JANUARY 5, 2009 1:07 AM 

Grieving Hurts

I feel the part of grief now, where part of the shock has gone away and the aching loss has become that much more relentless. 

We miss him, it hurts beyond measure to miss him so much...

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."

C.S. Lewis

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Notable Quotes on Grief

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. 
C. S. Lewis 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. 
Aeschylus

Tearless grief bleeds inwardly. 
Christian Nestell Bovee 

Grief is a process, not a state. 
Anne Grant 

Grief is the price we pay for love. 
Queen Elizabeth II 

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. 
Washington Irving 

I feel like the writer observing the grief, but it is difficult to be detached from it. 
Hugh Leonard 

You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be. 
Nigella Lawson 

If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble. 
Moliere 

No one feels another's grief, no one understands another's joy. People imagine they can reach one another. In reality they only pass each other by. 
Franz Schubert 

To touch a sore is to renew one's grief. 
Terence 

Every night when I go to bed, I hope that I may never wake again, and every morning renews my grief. 
Franz Schubert

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Death is so Powerless

When someone dies, there is literally not one single, minute thing that you can do to change it.  

Death cannot be undone, cannot be fixed, cannot be altered, cannot be repaired.

It's final...it's forever...it is the end.

We are completely and totally powerless over death.  No "should haves" - "could haves" - "what ifs" can restore a life out of death.

And if this truly was the end of the story...honestly, I'm not sure I could bear this pain of losing my Dad.  

If I didn't believe, didn't know that he is in Heaven...everything else too would seem so stupid, pointless, worthless.

But, God is bigger than death...thank God that He is...so thankful for the knowledge that I will see my Dad again.  

My Dad is now living in Heaven and that is what brings me comfort here on earth.

For PapAmore', Arend 'Odee' Lenderink

Ted Kennedy didn't give up, why should my Dad?

He shouldn't...hope is alive, believing in it doesn't mean you are unable to look at the facts, living in dream world, hiding from it all, etc.

It means that you're a fighter. And honestly, what better fight could there be than one that works towards keeping this man, Odee Lenderink, around for as long as possible...

Ted Kennedy's cancer 'worst kind'
WASHINGTON - A malignant glioma — the diagnosis doctors gave Sen. Edward M. Kennedy — is the worst kind of brain cancer. Malignant gliomas strike almost 9,000 Americans a year. Survival statistics are grim — few live three years and for the worst subtype, half die within a year.

Who lasts longer — and some do — depends on exactly what form of glioma someone has, whether surgeons can cut most of it out, age and some other medical details.

Kennedy's doctors didn't mention surgery, suggesting that may not be a possibility for him.

"As a general rule, at 76, without the ability to do a surgical resection, as kind of a ballpark figure you're probably looking at a survival of less than a year," said Dr. Keith Black, chairman of neurosurgery at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.......

What do you do, When they tell you to give up?

No, this isn't your personal story, it's not your own heart's passion, you most likely haven't a clue who I am, let alone who my Dad is...so why should you care? Why should you pause to hear my cry for help, why should you feel the passion we now live for, why should you care?

I recognize that...to some extent I understand...that's my struggle here...that is the pause behind each letter I here now type.

How can I help you feel our pain? What can I say to help you see? Who should I most concentrate reaching out to? Where should the majority of these efforts be directed?

There's a story to be told, this story may not be your own, but this story will touch you, it will make you a better you, if you listen. 

Will you listen? Will you pause? Will your own heart feel the passion? Will your own voice, join mine?

I have this amazing Dad, he's not just my whole world, he's also the universe of so many others. So many others, to whom he so unselfishly reached out to, so many lives that he never thought twice about blessing with his own.

My Dad is a humble man, his actions have never been for his own benefit. He just does, doesn't overanalyze why he performs "good samaritan" acts. It literally is just a part of him, he doesn't know of any other way...to live.

He is my pride, he is my hero, my teacher, my mentor, my light...always pointing towards the things that matter most, in the most natural, easiest to follow manner.

If I have any good in me, he put it there. If I am ever able to positively touch another, it is only because he's shown me how.

My Dad has AML, Leukemia...and it won't go away. And now these new leaders of him, the ones who seemingly have held his life ever since this ugly devil of a disease crept into it, they can't do anything more to make him better. Medically speaking, we're supposed to give up.

How do you that? Just give up?

How do you give up on someone who from all outward appearances is healthy and strong? How do you accept the ending for someone who eagerly anticipates so much more life? How do you close an unfinished story, how do you snuff out an eternal flame?

You don't, you can't...and that...well, maybe...that...is it.

You don't, you can't, we can't...we fall to the ground, we're helpless, we're lost, we have no other choice, we're violently struck with the truth that the one we thought we could save has seen all along.

Only HE can, only God, no mankind, no human, no science, no notion, no earthly efforts all on their own...just Him, only God. And He has been there all along, He's been waiting for everyone else to notice Him. Patiently, strongly, quietly waiting...to embrace us, to respond to our fervent cries...forever and always, He's been there.

Waiting for the light to come on, the "in your face" recognition that only one can work Miracles, only Him.  

And He, this miracle worker, our God, the only true light, he whispers in this darkness, to share...to tell the story of the man He made, to share my gift here on earth, my Dad, with others walking this rough, heart wrenching, fallen land.

This Dad I have, this amazing man, our Papa...his story...it needs to be shared.

Will you help us share his story?

Please join my one small voice, together we are stronger, together we will be heard.

Will you?

Oh mein Papa

Please God, Leave Our Papa Alone

Honestly, God...if You're thinking that it's time to bring him Home, I'm sorry, God...I know I shouldn't even think this, let alone express it publicly, but...You're wrong, God, You may have made a mistake...

Granted, I can understand why you'd want him, full time up there, and try as I might, I of course can't blame you for feeling that way.  We all feel that way about him here too...why grown adults literally fight over who gets to spend the most time with him, which is really a kind of ugly thing to witness, but anyway...I regress...

Seriously though, God.  Take a look around up there.  There's really good stuff there already, right?  And a lot of them too, I would easily guess, bet they might keep you pretty busy, huh? Are sure you really want another one so soon?  Just, think about it, God...it's okay to "change" Your mind.

Isn't Moses, Noah, Abraham, George, C.S. Lewis, Pope John Paul, Mother Theresa, Mary (as in Your Mom) and Joseph, Esther, Ruth, Boaz...you get my point, right God?  The list could go on and on and on...think about it, God.  

You've already got most of the good people up there already, but here on earth...looking around...quite often...we've only got one, God.  Do you really think it's a good idea to take our ONE away?

Lord, I know You'll make the right decision, after all, You are GOD...

In the meantime, God...we'll be praying, hopefully anticipating that amazing miracle that only You can provide.

A Cry for Help Worth Answering

My Dad, Arend "Odee" Lenderink, has AML Leukemia.

He was initially treated with the "traditional" chemo, yet "it" quite quickly came back, next they tried the mylotarg, however again, "it" came back...so now his physician says that's it, there's nothing else, medically speaking, that they are able to do for him...

But, he's so healthy looking, he looks and feels great, he doesn't want to leave us yet, he truly feels that there's still more left on earth that God intends for him to do...and we need him here yet too, we really, really do...

I beg of you all with all my heart...

Please...

If you know of anyone, or anything, please say so here...

We need you all...

Please...

From My "Has Known Him the Longest" Sister, Denise Lenderink VanderWal

Sara, your poem is beautiful.

We all have experienced and continue to experience that wonderful unconditional love. What an earthly example of Christ dad is and has been. Even through all the difficult times in his life dad has always been faithful. I can't even imagine life without him as I know you can't either.

I too am praying for a miracle, a total cure. Not from medicine, not from doctors, not from chemo but by a totally unexplainable source...no explanation...only a miracle, only God, who will be given ALL the glory and ALL the honor and ALL the praise.

At the same time we need to cherish every moment we have together with our truly remarkable dad and thank God for every single moment we have already had. I feel so honored to be picked by God to be his daughter, me biologically and you through another miracle. Isn't God amazing and good?

He took something you hated and turned it into something so beautiful. He made us a family. Two totally different families in two entirely different states, clear across the country from each other and wove us together to be a new family.

If dad had not married your mom your children would have never had a grandpa. It just amazes me how God worked that all out. It is wonderful to have each other through this very difficult time and even though we aren't living close to each other we all have one common prayer....please heal our dad and grandpa. We all love him so much!

When your mom had cancer I remember thinking how cruel that dad found such a wonderful woman and they love each other so much and he is so happy and now what if God takes her!

It is so wonderful that they got through that and now I can only pray that they will again get through with another miracle.

What ever happens, how ever God chooses to answer our prayers, the biggest thing we need to do is TRUST! We serve a good and loving God and He only wants the BEST for us. We need to trust and believe that because that is how dad has lived his life. We need to follow that example.

Never give up, never stop trusting and always continue to believe GOD IS IN CONTROL!

I love you Sara, love Denise

Mama, Do you Think I didn't Pray Loud Enough?

Papa's little "pizon" asked me, as tears rolled down her dimpled cheeks...

"Because, I was thinking...you know, Mama, God has a lot going on, so I understand if maybe I need to remind Him louder, you know, about how my Daddy doesn't live with us anymore and how I really, really, really need my Papa around."

So she's praying REALLY loud now...she also made a "logo" for her "Keep Papa" Team.

Yes, she is somewhat a little me, but most importantly, she is her Papa's little mustard seed.

That's PapAmore

You and that stink-bomb song...how you would embarrass me! 

(and how very much I loved it when you did)

One thing is FOR SURE, Papa...Dean Martin ain't got nothin' on you.

Without fail, at the peak of my sulkiest, most crabby of all moments...a "miracle worker" tune would suddenly burst forth into the room.  

And my epitome of Dutch father would magically transform into an Italian Godfather dancing around the room and singing with much GUSTO...

When the Moon hits your eye, like a big pizza sky...

That's Amore...

And without fail, as I'd roll my eyes, then I'd smile, get the giggles and lastly, of course, join in...

For as you say, That's Amore, performs much better as a Duet.

PapAmore, you always know just what to do...

Thank You

I'm Not Giving Up On You

When I was young, at the peak of awkward, flubbing through my pre-pubescent, "only a Mother could love" days...I met you.

And, I imagine that...

I wasn't that much to look at

Surely I wasn't that interesting to be around

Definitely I couldn't have been uplifting to listen to

Basically, Me

When I met You 

Was all Around

Most of all

Quite determined 

To clearly be

 

Not in the least bit nice

Specifically

To you...

I didn't want you to love me

didn't want you to care

wanted you to leave me

really didn't want you anywhere

that I was

at all

And You

Stubborn You

You Loved Me Still

You Loved My Ugly

Loved My Hate

Loved Me Silly

No Matter What

You always told me

Even then

I'll never leave you

No matter what

"I'm not Giving Up on You."

And so...

Just so you know...

I heard you then, I hear you now...

I listened and I learned

Learned what real love was

Learned what was true

Learned to endure

To believe

To be true

Learned what to fight for

Learned when to give in

All this

And more

I learned

From You

And now

This moment

This time

This now

Because you taught me well

I boldly stand

I have no doubt

I know now what to do

I hear God's voice

I feel His Peace

I gratefully answer His call

And that is why

I shout out loud

I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU!

It's not over

Your story is not done

There's more left to be told

Our God of Miracles

Is not Impressed

By lazy sloths on the ground

If we're to witness

The end result

Of our brazen prayers

Then we must all

Join hands

Unite

Show Him

That we Care

That we will actively

Hold God's hand

Not stand idly by

We will do

What can be done

We will follow

Our God's lead

We'll join his triumphant shout

When we stand

And actively show that

WE AREN'T GIVING UP ON YOU!

Any Man can be a Father...

...but, to find a Dad, that's a rare treasure indeed...

I didn't write this poem below, it's obviously not my story, but change a few simple facts and it could be, for that's what you are to me, a Dad.

A simple dry-wall man
© By Lachell A. Hocker

(I wrote this poem about my step dad..)

I fell in love with a man

When I was only four years old
He was tall with big blue eyes
And he was strong enough to hold
me when I cried.
He loved my mom
He loved me
And together we'd make a family.

The teenage years were so hard
I know at times I broke his heart
But God's love shown
Through Dad's strong will
And he stood by me even still.

He taught me how to love and care
He gave me hugs when I was scared
And I thank God for each day
My Dad's been there.

It takes a special kind of man
One that fits Gods' perfect plan
To be a Dad
And to give the life we've had.

He was just a simple drywall man
Trying to get by
But little did he know
God had a plan for his life.

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.
- Pope John XXIII

The Greatest Man That Ever Lived...I Know

Precious Papa, You are our PapAmore