Cherishing the Now, Begging for More

This is the letter that I wrote to my Dad very early on New Years Day, 2009...11 days prior to his, PapAmores', death...

You gathered us around you this night, the last one of this year. All these anxious faces, all these pleading eyes, looking up to you, like we always do, drinking in your presence even more than we did before.

We're scared, we try to hide it, but it really shows, I'm afraid we're not doing that great a job...well, okay...I am, I'm the one aimless and lost, incredibly scared, terrified, devastated, crushed...pretty much praying for the end of the world.

Papa, my Daddy, you love without end, you're the rock, the beacon of light, the fixer, the healer, the widsom, the strength, you're rational and wise and smart as the universe, yet funny and silly, you're cool Papa, why...you're Papamore!

And I still run home to you...and now my girls do too, so you see...well, maybe that's the problem? Is it because He wants us to only run to Him?

And if that's true, and I'm sorry I don't think it is, but if it is, then that is just really stupid! Why, if God would be that freaking mean, well then, then it wouldn't be Him. Because the God I know, the God you've shown us in everything you do, He knew we needed someone very special to be able to run to, He knew no one else could ever do, but you.

So, when we run to you, He smiles, because He sees how very much more we love Him, through you...

Anna stayed up to watch the ball drop, "it's a brand new year" she said, then she smiled and told me that she was thinking, God has a ton of stuff to remember, so she understands that He might have forgotten that Papa needs to get better because, with all that He has going on, maybe she just needs to remind Him more that she really needs her real Daddy around for a really long time, her real Daddy, her Papa.

"And God listens to our prayers, He really does," she peacefully told me with a smile...

Of course, she's right...she's Papa's little mustard seed.

We love you, with all our hearts...and then some...

And we are okay, we're okay! I promise...xoxoxoxo