Don't You Know That My Papa Died?!

Oh, your precious and wise, Annabella...she misses you so much, Papa.  You knew her best of all, what was really going on in that brilliant little mind of hers, how much she really hurt when she said it was all okay.  She was able to easily cry with you, open up her amazing heart fully in the safety of your love.

And, it's hard to understand for a billion different reasons, why you're no longer here, whatever good could come from a plan that takes you from us?  

A plan, this now, the present, in which Anna is simultaneously forced to endure a recent single parent family/broken home while at the same time having her most sacred one, You, ripped from her life...I'm afraid I'll never make sense of that why.

So today, because I had to, today...because the entire world just keeps moving on, I had to go meet with my divorce attorney.  It's ugly on top of ugly...a cruel reminder of the constantly painful past and frequently tormented presence.  

My heart breaks to witness the additional pain this "extra" devastation further saddens those I most hold dear.

And Papa, my sweet Papa...I know that meeting with my attorney was on your "short list" that you ever so faithfully were determined to yet do...but, there wasn't enough time and I did not work very hard to make it happen that last week.  How could I?  Schedule your time to include something as ugly as this for your last moments on earth?  

I'm sorry, Papa...I couldn't...

But, Brett went with me today, I had told him he really didn't need to, however I am SO glad he did!  You would be so proud of him, Papa...he's the best big brother ever, he's even becoming a lot like you...which is very good!  ;)

It is overwhelming...we love you so much that...it's difficult to be around those unaffected by your death sometimes.  

Especially devastating to clearly know and see that the one you daily prayed for and loved, the one that I brought into your life...honestly doesn't give a damn, at all...

Anna was very upset with some boys at school yesterday, they had thrown a snowball at her and in response she had whipped right around and nearly screamed at them...

"How could you do that to me?!  Don't you know that my Papa died?!"

At that moment, I knew exactly how she felt...yet ever so helplessly, all I could do was just hug her ever so tightly and say, "I know, Papa's pizon, I know...it just doesn't make any sense at all."