How do I stop fighting for you when you're all I want back?
How do I "let go" of our lifeline?
How do I not search for the only one who always had the answers?
I just want to climb in your lap.
I just want for it all to go away.
This morning your little Anna told me, not long after she had awoken...
"Mama, this is just so ridiculous! I can't believe my Papa died! I keep thinking it must be a dream...but, it's not...and sometimes, I don't like it when you wake me up now, Mama...'cause then I know it's real, that my Papa really did die."
I'm sorry, that we miss you so much, Papa...
I'm sorry that I don't actually feel God "carrying us" most all of the time now, like most likely I should...
I'm sorry I "fought" for you perhaps too long...
I'm sorry that I'm feeling sorry for us...
We miss you and you're gone...
It's so hard to believe that you're gone...
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And Maggie and I are sooo sick...and Anna called Rick asking if he could please play with her, but he told her he couldn't b/c his friend was coming over for pizza...so then after she gets off the phone and again cries b/c of feeling that "Daddy likes his friends more than his own daughter." I get to try to tell her how "of course, that's not true" while holding the "puke bowl" for Maggie...and then! Rick emails me to further "explain" why he really couldn't help out and have Anna over for pizza with his friend...
"xxx is a divorced father of two, and so when we're together our conversations run deep with regards to divorce, custody, psycho wives, fatherhood, etc...not the sort of thing we can do if Anna is present.
Please try as best you can to understand, and please stop insulting me when you don't really know what is going on."
Okay, done feeling sorry for myself...
Oh, I have one more...
And then!
Rick calls today and says he just can't take the girls for his court appointed scheduled time with them because he doesn't feel well...???...
Just another day, done complaining now, for real...
wow...forgot about this, just read again now...and our dad and papa had just died less than 2 weeks previously. rick really is an ass, not cluing my girls in on this fact has been a struggle, but one i'm proud to say i've succeeded in accomplishing....ONLY by the Grace of God.
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